[nilesfunnies] Fw: I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE

I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE

Just received, a day or so early, *from an Australian*

GOD BUT I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE...

WE ARE ONE - We are the people of a free nation of blokes,
sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a
few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the
best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it
whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into States.

First, there's Victoria,
named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is
the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big
horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is
that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's New South Wales,
the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read
quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more
queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots
are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the
left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania,
a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together
stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at
conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia,
is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and
bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you
so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just
out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but
lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep
at the wheel.

Western Australia,
is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame
is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work. W.A. was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
government and business.

The Northern Territory,
is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty kids
with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on
the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our
way to Bali.

And there's Queensland.
While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a
nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made
Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled
it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes! And, there's Canberra, the less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united
in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap
in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes
and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be
right mate", our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national
anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count,
like cricket, swimming, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, 'roo
shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the
tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security
guards, or cameras, but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by
sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed
minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are, Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our
National Crest!!!! (the 'roo and emu). No other country has this
distinction!



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