Tuesday, August 30, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Simon Munnery quotes from (Z)

[Simon Munnery whoever he is seems to be a bit hit and miss... ]

Behind every great man there lies a great woman. And one in front of him
as well if he's lucky.

Suppose conventional wisdom to be a forest. I am chainsaw. You are squirels.

My aims are that of an owl's. To whit to woo. Eh ladies?

When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem
appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.

Think of sin on a par with a woman battering to death her first born child.
With her second born child.

Beware the smile of a waiter. It means he's pissed in your soup.

I wanted wine, women and song. I got a drunk woman singing.

The truly beautiful are often abused for apparent ugliness just as those
with great vision often bump into things.

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as
bad as some would have you believe. That is unspeakably awful but
mercifully brief.

A punch in the gob lets a fat man know his status.

Some people cannot see the wood for the trees. I see the wood and the
trees and the small village beyond and what's more I have a flame-thrower.

In love as in fighting the winner has an eight foot pole.

He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees
with me in public, call him an ambulance.

What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravesone
enscribed with the words: so what?

People rarely listen to what I say. I do not expect them to. One cannot
expect dwarves to queue for the rack.

My dog has no legs but he still chews bones. How does a dog with no legs
chew bones? With a great deal of suspicion I noticed.

In the hierachy of the freakshow the bearded woman is king. She may deny
it but ask her again in a nice way when the dwarves aren't looking.

All men are brothers. Hence war.

The hour has come! - ooooh, lucky hour!

Fish deserve to be caught for they are lazy. Two million years of
evolution and they still haven't got out of the water.

It is said we are descended from monkeys. I did not realise how far

Look at the sea and think of your evolutionary past. Look at the sky and
imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And at
the most profound place where land, sea and sky meet - there ye shall
play volleyball.

What should one say after making love? Thank you seems too much. I'm
sorry - not enough.

If you don't listen next week - you ought to be ashamed of yourself. If
you do listen - you will be.

Welcome to the future - it's broken!

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar
Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have
nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing
then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else
that worries me.

Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey since they
make it? It can only be vanity.

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is
the vanity of men not to bother.

I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect
and to see with.

I was staring at the mirror when I had a religious experience. Which is
unusual. Normally when I have a religious experience, the mirror stares
at me.

The electric guitar - like making love - is much improved by a little
feedback, completely ruined by too much.

Between the valley of shame and the valley of pride there lies the ridge
of love. Oh no, that's a little further North I think.

All artists are willing to suffer for their art. So few are willing to
learn to draw.

"Brevity is the soul of wit" said Shakespeare. I say "Wank!" Thus I win.

On July the Twelfth, Nineteen Ninety Four,
A day that shall be enshrined forevermore,
In the minds of poets and philosophers alike,
For it was another DAY IN MY LIFE!

The pen is mightier than the sword you claim. Very well, get out your
pens essay writers and prepare to have your logic tested by steel.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. Indeed - likewise he who
lives by the pen, he who lives by the word processor, he who who lives
by the fax machine all shall die by the sword. Only he who lives by the
tank shall remain immune.

Put on your dunce's caps. Those caught not wearing their dunce's caps
may be forced to stand at the front and teach.

Women, I suggest one thing to you. Sex! Oh you may laugh but you do so
with damp knickers.

Creatures such as you should be bound and gagged and thrown back into
the sea so that you can evolve a little more or at least serve as a
warning to any fish nurturing ambitions.

London - The city that goes to bed quite late.

Horses sweat. Gentlemen perspire. Women sweat and perspire - and shit
and piss and menstruate, but you wouln never guess that to look at them.
With their faces.

I decree that history shall be rewritten. This time without any
punctuation so that it is just one sentence linked together by the
phrase "And then what happened was..."

I clip your ears with my non-sequiters.

Greatness sits upon my shoulders as the dog urinates upon the pavement -
with naturalness and ease and some offence to passers-by.

It is said that at the age of 55 each man becomes what he most despised
at the age of 25. I live in constant fear lest I become a badly
organised trip to Bournemouth.

Have you anything to say. No? Then shut up. Lest you are a woman in
which case carry on - It's delightful.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. And the chip shop is next to the hair
dresser's. It doesn't persuade me to visit either.

Men on average think about sex once every eight minutes. I make a point
of thinking about sex every four seconds. This makes me one hundred and
twenty times more manly than the rest of you.

If a million monkies were given a million typewriters, eventually one of
them might produce the complete works of Shakespeare but to reach it
would it be worth wading through four hundred copies of "Money" by
Martin Amis?

I remember my first religious experience. I was alone at the time and so
was able to clear up the mess before anyone noticed.

I remember the first time I made love. Perhaps it was not love exactly
but I made it and it still works.

Plagarism is the highest form of art just as theft is the highest form
of commerce.

All the world is a stage and its inhabitants merely actors and by
definition pansies.

The message of Christ is a simple one: "Come and have a go if you think
you're hard enough!"

Do you wish to see the world? Go to the airport - or the optician.

Inside every naked woman there is a fully clothed one trying to get out
- but what to wear?

For what you are about to receive may the lord God make you truly
grateful. As the bishop said to the actress.

Get thee behind me Satan! Get thee in front of me God! Let's have a

Like many supermodels, I won't get out of bed for less than £3000.
Unlike many supermodels, I don't get out of bed very often.

If you only ever read one book in your life, I highly recommend you keep
your mouth shut.

A million monkeys were given a million typewriters. It's called the