[nilesfunnies] Fw: Season's greetings

Will the Feds Bust Santa Claus?

When Santa Claus comes to town this week, he'd better watch out --
because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and
checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned today.

"Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything,"
said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "The feds know when
Santa's been bad or good -- and he's been bad, for goodness sakes."

Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should
he be making license plates?

Yes, said Getz, if he's held to the same standards as a typical
American. For example:

* Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses
the border into the United States without a passport. He carries
concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to
avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all
those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug
Czar and Homeland Security want to know.

* Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a
custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files
a flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he
rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him
-- a clear violation of traffic safety regulations.

* Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected
species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their
required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these
genetically-engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder:
He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of
zoning laws.

* But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just
animals -- he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't
Santa's Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union
employees don't make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact
that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World
elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.

* No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy
distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa
dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush
all competition -- just like Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Antitrust
Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?

The bottom line, said Getz: "It might be tough sledding for Jolly St.
Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him.

"We're just surprised it hasn't already happened. After all, Santa Claus
is everything that politicians aren't: He's popular, reliable, and
gives us something for nothing every December 25th -- instead of taking
our money every April 15th."

(Source: Libertarian Party press release, written by George Getz)



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