[nilesfunnies] Fw: For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 1)

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For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 1)

AEROPLANE: What Mum impersonates to get a one year old to eat strained
vegetables.

ALIEN: What Mum would think had invaded her house if she spotted a
child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for buns and
cakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mum's youngest child, even if he's
42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum)
to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained
logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off
shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up
going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most
sugar.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mum's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat
dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings where Mum and Dad can enjoy worrying about the
kids while in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See"WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked
to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mum's favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times
by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mum, can be
"put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter
knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home later at night than they
should have done.

FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for
dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mum lets her daughter
date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mum's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair and carpet.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not
containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
sterilised in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mum experiences from changing too many diapers.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if
kids or husbands ever filled the damned things instead of putting them
back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mum has
spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mum, isn't there anything else you can do to
embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish that Mum
spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mum medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do
so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mum buys powdered mix,
sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and
ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of
15p.