[nilesfunnies] Fw: One liners.

One liners.
Some repeats, some new - at least I can't recall previously seeing them
all. Attributed to the 'Late, Great Henny Youngman' (who he??)
Greg

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week,
we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food, candle light, good
service..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. She was at the beauty
shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and
looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so he gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying "Mrs Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs
Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell
you?"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." The doctor said "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here
for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

A tramp asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He
said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A tramp came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You
should force yourself!" Another tramp told me "I haven't tasted food all
week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient.
They're in two separate buildings!

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man
says, "I make a good living."

My Grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out
of the bottle.

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