[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mick the sledge

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Back when the Kray brothers terrorised London, there were a number of
smaller gangs, who occasionally trespassed on what the brothers considered
their rightful purview. When this happened, the boys would send round
their chief fixer, affectionately known as "Mick the Sledge". Mick was a
lad would looked as if he had been carved from solid granite and spoke
like it too. His weapon of choice was a 14 pound sledgehammer and
depending on the offence in question, he would apply this to the
offender's anatomy - toes, fingers, arms, whatever. Hence the imaginative
sobriquet.

An upcoming muscle-bound young thug named Johnny Rillo fancied his chances
in the big time and decided to rob a gambling den owned by the twins.
Johnny was none too bright, and the attempt failed pitifully and Johnny
went into hiding with a friend. As it turned out, the 'friend' was more
loyal to the Krays than to some punk and Mick was duly dispatched to
'correct' Johnny. As Mick was setting off from his mum's house, a young
lad tagged along with him. Mick turned to see the boy, no more than 14,
carrying a small mallet. It was his nephew, Brian. "Teach me, Mick", Brain
said, "I've done nicking and stuff. But I want to get into protection".

It warmed Mick's heart. He'd always wanted an apprentice - someone to pass
on his considerable skills to. So he agreed and the pair set off into the
dark streets around Soho. Soon they were at the house in question and Mick
proudly handed the spare keys to Brian. "Open it, son", he said, hefting
his sledge in both hands, just in case there should be any trouble. The
door opened softly and they could hear the radio playing. The two entered
quietly and they could see the shape of Johnny, ironing his trousers in
the kitchen. Moving faster than his size would suggest was possible, Mick
rushed in and grabbed Johnny, pinning his arms. Then he stretched out one
of Brian's hands on to the ironing board. "'It 'im, Brian", he said. Brian
took careful aim and swung. He missed the hand and instead struck Mick's
thumb in passing.

"No, no, son", Mick said, scarcely noticing the blow. "Your grip's too
tight. You'll always 'ave an 'ook on your swing. 'Ave another go". Johnny
squirmed but Mick held him fast. Again Brian swung and this time made
contact, but without much effect. Johnny was muscular and had obviously
been in a fight or two. "An' again", said Mick. Brian hit Johnny once
more, but again with no power. It was obvious to Mick, that the mallet was
inadequate and the boy needed a demonstration with a proper instrument.
"It's too light, that thing", he said, pointing to the mallet. "I'll show
you 'ow it's done". Using Johnny's half-pressed trousers, he tied Johnny's
arms behind his back and dropped him on the floor.

Mick picked up his trusty namesake and thought about the spot. Would the
boy learn more from a leg-breaking, or perhaps and arm or two to start?
Well, he'd learn either way, Mick supposed. He raised the sledge high and
swung downwards, hard. There was a sickening crack and Mick, smiling,
turned to Brian, and said: "This is the weight to 'ammer Rillo".

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