nilesfunnies

Friday, February 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: the Amazing Italian





A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top,
in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing
next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male
member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd
erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their
shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The
Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing
his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time,
however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and
smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The
crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the
show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know
something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch
from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."


Mike Lewis
Cambridge



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: One for the royalists




Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world!"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is this Camilla Parker Bowles?"



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: How to catch a Polar Bear

How to catch a Polar Bear
1) Cut a hole in the ice

2) Sprinkle the contents of a packet of frozen peas around the hole

3) When the bear comes along for a pea, kick him in the icehole.

-- 0 0 --

I saw one once - he was insanely happy some days and was the life and
soul of the party. On other days he would sit around completely depressed,
contemplating the demise of civilisation and everything he valued.
I think he must have been a bipolar bear.

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Brains



A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet, honey."


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: The 9 laws of parenting young children


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The 9 laws of parenting young children

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next
morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like
it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.


and the one I knew so well ...


9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to
the bathroom.



---- End Forwarded Message ----


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Gosh. I remember Robert Anton Wilson back in the '80s citing exam

Gosh. I remember Robert Anton Wilson back in the '80s citing examples
from the Ayatollah Khomeini's little green book, which said that a woman
could not divorce her husband if he sodomised a camel, although if the
beast were subsequently slaughtered no true believer should eat of its
flesh; she could, however, divorce him if he sodomised her brother. "He
may seem rather backward and a male chauvinist pig, but compare him with
the Pope, who says that woman can't divorce her husband if he sodomises
camels every day and her brother twice a week."

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Control Tower



Control Tower

Supposedly excerpts of the most curious but authentic radio communications
between Cockpit and Tower Air Controllers

Tower: ‘To avoid noise, please turn right 45 degrees .‘
Pilot: ‘What noise could we possibly make at 35.000ft?‘
Tower: ‘The noise your 707 will make when colliding with the 727 before
you!'

Tower: ‘Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?‘
Pilot: ‘An A 340, of course!‘
Tower: ‘Well then, would you please start your other two engines before
taxiing to take-off?'

Pilot: ‘Good morning, Bratislava.‘
Tower: ‘Good morning. Please note: This is Vienna.‘
Pilot: ‘I am now on landing approach to Bratislava.‘
Tower: ‘This really is Vienna.‘
Pilot: ‘Vienna?‘
Tower: ‘Yes.‘
Pilot: ‘But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava.‘
Tower: 'Okay. Then abort your landing approach and turn left.'


Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his cockpit instruments when
lightning hit him: ‘We nearly lost everything. Nothing works anymore. Even
the altitude indicator doesn’t show anything ........‘
After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another pilot comes over the
comm: ‘Oh shut up and die like a man!'

Pilot: ‘We’re running low on fuel. Please advise.‘
Tower: 'What is your position? We don’t have you on our scope.‘
Pilot: ‘We’re standing on runway 2 and are waiting for an eternity for the
fuel truck.'

Pilot: ‘Tower, request take-off clearance.‘
Tower: 'Sorry , we don’t have your flightplan. Where do you want to go?‘

Pilot: ‘Like every Monday, to Salzburg.‘
Tower: ‘But today is Tuesday!‘
Pilot: 'What? Then it’s our day off!'

Tower: ‘Height and position?‘
Pilot: ‘I am 1.80 m and I’m sitting in the front on the left side.'

Tower to a private plane: ‘How many souls on board?‘
Pilot: 'Pilot, two passengers and a dog.‘
Tower, after a hard landing: ‘I take it the dog did that landing?'

Tower: ‘Do you have enough fuel or not?‘
Pilot: ‘Yes.‘
Tower: ‘Yes, what?‘
Pilot: ‘Yes, Sir!!!'

Tower: ‘Please give us your estimated arrival.‘
Pilot: 'Hmmmm... Tuesday would be nice for me.'


--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mammogram


For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
>From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenceless tit!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And, see how THEY come out!

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |

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[nilesfunnies] The last drink....


A little guy is sitting at a local bar just staring at his drink for
half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver sits down next to
him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy
starts crying.

"Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck
driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
crying!"

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my
car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

"At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar
trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you
show up and drink the darn poison!"




--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |


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[nilesfunnies] Are you thinking what we're thinking?



I've a feeling there might be quite a lot of these coming up...

http://piombo.org/propa2005/images/2005-02-19-conservativethinking-01.jpg

n



--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |


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[nilesfunnies] also from the Grauniad


A story told about Arthur Miller at Milton Schulman's memorial service last
year.

When he was courting Marilyn Monroe, he took her to his mother's New York
apartment for dinner.

The walls were thin and Monroe was obsessed by the fear that people would
hear her peeing, so when she went to the bathroom she turned on all the
taps to disguise the sound.

A day or so later Miller's mother wrote to say that she thought his new
girlfriend was very beautiful and very nice, "but Arthur, she pisses like a
horse".


--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |


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Friday, February 18, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Hormonal help for men



Hormonal help for men

Guidelines for men on addressing a woman with PMS:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay check.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Golf (a follow up to my last post) :-)




A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the
sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too,"
said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his golfing partners, the oldest, and the
wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends,
just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"



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Thursday, February 17, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I can't guarantee that they're all true ...



On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona
in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill
Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels' grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a
consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

Neil



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Adultery



A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He
goes to a rifle shop, and asks the assistant to show him a scope.

The assistant takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so
good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a
look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the assistant. "I see a naked man and a naked
woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The assistant grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then
he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give
you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my
wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, gives a bullet back the man
and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one.


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Posh joke



What's the difference between an Entomologist and an Etymologist?



The etymologist knows the difference!



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: "We tried to deliver a package but you were out.



"We tried to deliver a package but you were out.
We were unable to leave it because:
- It needs to be signed for
- There is postage to be paid
X - It was ticking

Please collect it from the main sorting office in Moscow, before the end
of the winter. Please make sure you bring 2 pieces of identification with
you. A silly moustache and Prince Harry's armband are not sufficient"


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Saturday, February 12, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Planting potatoes



(Last time I heard this joke it was an Irishman in prison -- that's where
I hid the loot)



Planting potatoes
An old Arab lives close to New York City for more than 40 years.
He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone,old
and weak.

His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad,because I can't
plant potatoes in my garden.
I am sure, if only you were here, you helped me and dug up the garden
for me.

I love you, your father."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his
son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I
have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed".

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers
visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every
inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant
your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you,
Ahmed."



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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: library



Bloke goes into a library and says, "Burger, fries and a Coke, please."
Woman behind desk says, "This is a library, you know!"
Bloke looks remorseful and says, "Oh yeah, sorry," then whispers, "Burger,
fries and a Coke, please."


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[nilesfunnies] Ulli's Roy Orbison In Clingfilm Website



http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/karl.htm


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Monday, February 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Things Women Never Say (I wonder why...?)



1) I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

2) You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for
ignoring me.

3) My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for
you and your friends.

4) Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping on the damp patch.

5) I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, but I still want
you right now!

6) That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porn
movies again?

7) I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby-sitter Tracy.

8) The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner
on Friday.

9) Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

10) That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over
and talk to her.

11) I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

12) I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a
wonderful Valentine's Day gift!

13) Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't
have to mess with it anymore.

14) I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

15) I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it
again.

16) Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You
passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

17) You are so much smarter than my father.

18) If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Match of
the Day.





---- End Forwarded Message ----



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Saturday, February 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Bob



Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of
business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a
leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him
out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man
asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can
you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and
it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles,
scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it
for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and
zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob
says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy
pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't
touching it..."

--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


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Friday, February 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A virgin or not



A virgin or not

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that.
All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint
one ball red and one ball blue.
On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says,
Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!'
you hit her with the shovel!"



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Thursday, February 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: ANd finally finally - I just couldn't resist this one:



ANd finally finally - I just couldn't resist this one:

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor,
then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate
to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"

She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"

Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"


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Tuesday, February 01, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Ukulele Orchestra Single


On Tue, 1 Feb 2005 20:15:51 GMT, Richard Durrant - LongMan Records
wrote:


Dear All,

I'm writing to you with news of the LongMan Records campaign to make Britain
a better place by getting the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain into the UK
singles charts and onto Top of the Pops!!

As you may have heard last Monday (the 31st) was designated "Ukulele Monday"
to mark the launch of the UKOGB's first ever single - an unbelievable cover
of "Miss Dy-na-mi-tee". The day was celebrated on the radio up and down the
UK and most notably by Johnny Walker on BBC Radio 2. The lead up included
appearances on Jools Holland's "Hootananny", ITV's "This Morning" and
airplay on BBC Radio 1.

And what a week its been! LongMan are small and the industry is big! -
which in England can make life very tricky. But we believe that people
power and the appeal of the UKOGB will triumph. And we really are having an
impact - it is highly likely that the single will chart this week...

So we need your help: Please buy the single before Friday this week - but
not from us!! It's available in all Virgin stores UK wide (and we
encourage persistence if your told otherwise in any store) - or online from
hmv.co.uk or amazon.co.uk. Both count for the UK charts. Even overseas can
help here.

Once again thanks for your time.

Yours sincerely

Richard Durrant
Director - LongMan Records Limited
Producer - The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain



--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Beecham said of the harpsichord "It sounds like two skeletons copulating".



Beecham said of the harpsichord "It sounds like two skeletons copulating".

And, "The English don't like music, but they like the noise it makes."





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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blind Shop Assistant



Blind Shop Assistant

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound
it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that
sounds
like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the
sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is
£11
and the Fish Bait is £3.50." _



Barry.



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Man breaks down miles from anywhere, in China



Man breaks down miles from anywhere, in China
Walks until he comes to a lonely house, knocks on the door and old
china man answers. Man asks if he can stop the night. Old chinaman
says he can, but he will have to sleep with his daughter, but he is
not to touch her.

man agrees readily, he just wants to sleep.
Anyway man goes to bed sees daughter on other side of bed, as soon as
his head touches the pillow he is asleep.
In the middle of the night he is woken by the young daughter feeling
him all over and somewhat refreshed he thinks, well she isn't going
to complain to her father, he'll never know. So man and daughter make
wonderful love, they then go back to sleep.

Man wakes in morning, feeling great, but there is a block of concrete
on his chest, on concrete there is a sign "First ancient Chinese
torture - Heavy weight on chest"

Man thinks nothing of it and throws concrete out of window, whereupon
it rolls over and he sees second sign "Second ancient chinese torture
- Heavy weight tied to left testicle" Man shrugs and dives out
through window where he sees third sign "Third ancient chinese
torture - Right testicle tied to bedpost"




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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Man goes in to a car showroom ...




Man goes in to a car showroom ...
... and buys a top of the range BMW.

Two days later he walks back in and says, 'Oi, you!'

'Yes?' says the salesman.

'You sold me that BMW the other day, didn't you!' shouts the man.

'That's right, Sir' comes the reply.

'Well when going uphill it stops at 110' continues the man.

'But isn't 110 uphill pretty good going for any car?', suggests the
salesman.

'Not when you live at 136 it isn't!!'


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: If you can't beat them ...



A teenage grand-daughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through
blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare
go out like that. The teenager tells her, "Loosen up, Granny, these are
modern times, you've got to let your rosebuds show", and she goes out.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs and the grandmother is sitting
there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate.

The grandmother just smiles and says, "Loosen up, Sweetie, if you can show
off your rosebuds then I can display my hanging baskets."




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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Q: Why are firemen's balls bigger than policemen's balls?



Q: Why are firemen's balls bigger than policemen's balls?

A: Because they sell more tickets




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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Man breaks down miles from anywhere




Man breaks down miles from anywhere
Sets out walking and comes across a monastery.
knocks on door and is let in by the head monk, man asks if he can use
phone, "No sir we don't have a phone", well can you put me up for the
night. "Okay sir, you can have the spare room for the night.
Anyway he goes early to bed but there is lots of laughing, shouting
and yelling going on till very late. He puts up with it till 2am then
desperate to get some sleep he goes to the top of the stairs and
shouts down
"What on earth is all the shouting about"
monk shouts back up "Sorry sire but you see we are holding a monks
Ball"
"Well, bloody well let go of it then!" shouts back the man.



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: My favourite: At rehearsal



My favourite: At rehearsal "Second trombone, that entry was flat". from the back> "Second trombone hasn't arrived yet". "Well, tell him
he's flat when he gets here, please"


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