Monday, December 27, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Season's greetings

Will the Feds Bust Santa Claus?

When Santa Claus comes to town this week, he'd better watch out --
because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and
checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned today.

"Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything,"
said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "The feds know when
Santa's been bad or good -- and he's been bad, for goodness sakes."

Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should
he be making license plates?

Yes, said Getz, if he's held to the same standards as a typical
American. For example:

* Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses
the border into the United States without a passport. He carries
concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to
avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all
those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug
Czar and Homeland Security want to know.

* Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a
custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files
a flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he
rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him
-- a clear violation of traffic safety regulations.

* Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected
species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their
required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these
genetically-engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder:
He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of
zoning laws.

* But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just
animals -- he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't
Santa's Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union
employees don't make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact
that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World
elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.

* No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy
distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa
dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush
all competition -- just like Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Antitrust
Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?

The bottom line, said Getz: "It might be tough sledding for Jolly St.
Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him.

"We're just surprised it hasn't already happened. After all, Santa Claus
is everything that politicians aren't: He's popular, reliable, and
gives us something for nothing every December 25th -- instead of taking
our money every April 15th."

(Source: Libertarian Party press release, written by George Getz)

---- End Forwarded Message ----

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: One morning while she was making breakfast

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his
wife and pinched her on the butt and said, ''If you firmed this up,
we could get rid of your control top tights.''

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said ''You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid
of your bra.''

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him
by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, ''You know, if
you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman,
the pool man and your brother.

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Woodwork

It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised
to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.

Her name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork
shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was
in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.

The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do
you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.

"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop
teacher asked.

Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied,

"Well, I can't rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: The phone call

The phone call


***pick up***


"Hi, honey, this is Daddy" .... "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock
on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's
car's just pulled up outside the house & then come back to the

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did
what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying
out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool but he must
have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so
he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead

***long pause***

***more pause****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? - Is this 764-2357?"

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: A man suffered a serious heart attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had
health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The
nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I
only have a spinster sister who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed
and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: It was spring in the old west.

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse
went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in
the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to
shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot --
I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he
was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd
like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold
Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here
horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to
the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse
around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He
dismounted on the run and went straight inside!
to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark
Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling
muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down
his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the

---- End Forwarded Message ----

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Straight talking on Westminster village,,171-1410999,00.html

Straight talking on Westminster village
By Matthew Parris
A personal view of the upside-down world inhabited by politicians and
WOULD I (a colleague at The Times has just telephoned to suggest) care to
write something about sex, The Spectator, and the strangely interlocking
worlds of the media, politics and public life?

My instant response was to recoil. The recoil makes the point (on
reflection) more eloquently than words and analysis alone can do. I
doubted I should venture onto this tricky ground. Too many of my own
friendships, personal and professional, are involved.

“I know David Blunkett a little,” I thought. “He wrote me a nice letter
wishing me well when I quit The Times’s parliamentary sketch; and I wrote
back wishing him well in Cabinet, and got a friend to write the letter for
me in Braille.

“And then too,” (I thought), “I’m on the friendliest of terms with Boris
Johnson, both as the Editor of the magazine for which I write, and as a
Tory MP — as I used to be. His former lover, Petronella Wyatt, and I hold
each other in mutual affection. At least I hope so: I’ve always liked her.
She once wrote a column in which she asked, no doubt teasingly, why I
would not sleep with her.

“As for Kimberly, we’ve always got on like a house on fire. I love her
mischievousness and find her completely beguiling; no one can make me
laugh as Kimberly does. We had a marvellous lunch together at The Ivy
before she remarried — and only a few weeks ago (it seems) I was sitting
beside her and her new husband, Stephen Quinn, at the Spectator
Parliamentarian of the Year Awards dinner at Claridges: a monster
gathering of MPs and journalists where Michael Howard made that cheeky
speech about Boris Johnson. Kimberly had us all in stitches with her
account of her attempt to use a vacuum cleaner (“I called my mother in
America. She said ‘check if the bag’s full’. I checked. ‘No, no problem,
mother, I said: it’s completely full’. I thought it was like a car’s gas
tank. I didn’t realise it had to be empty.”)

“And of all these people,” I mused, “I think I count Simon Hoggart as the
best of friends. A nicer, more generous and less devious man you couldn’t
hope to know. As soon as I heard the news about him and Kimberly I sent
him a text message reminding him how soon all this would pass, and he
could return to the job at which he’s the best living practitioner in
British journalism: the job of cheering us all up.

Only last summer I called in on Simon and his wife and family holidaying
in France, then drove on to visit Lance Price (Alastair Campbell’s former
deputy at No 10) at whose holiday house I discovered Tony Wright, the
excellent Labour MP, in the swimming pool with his wife. Tony’s wife, that
is, thank God.”

“Oh – and then there was that paeon of praise I heaped on the absent Boris
at a Tory luncheon in Wantage, a constituency close to Boris’s, where I
spoke last month in the cause of their prospective Conservative
parliamentary candidate, Ed Vaisey. Ed (who works for Michael Howard)
persuaded me to do this when we met at a wedding in Moscow in October. The
groom at the wedding was Ben Wegg-Prosser, formerly Peter Mandelson’s
assistant, who is now at The Guardian . Peter turned up at the wedding, in
stylish brown corduroy. The best man was Tristram Hunt. Half The Guardian
were there, and so was Anji Hunter, formerly Tony Blair’s gatekeeper, now
head of communications at BP — oh, and Anji was with her partner, Sky
News’s anchorman, Adam Boulton. In Moscow I made the acquaintance of the
excellent Rachel Whetstone, who helps Ed look after Michael Howard, and .
. .”

But I think I’ve made the point. Two worlds so close, so interlocking, so
shaded — one into the other — that I sometimes think they are not two
worlds, but one, and we’re all on the same side. So it isn’t really
sleeping with the enemy at all.

But it has to be asked: should heterosexuals be permitted to occupy
important or sensitive posts in our country? I’m as tolerant of diversity
as the next man and would never condone the persecution of anyone solely
on account of his or her sexuality, so this is not a moral judgment but a
practical one.

Simple observation suggests — and the last couple of months of newspaper
headlines demonstrate — that heterosexuals in public life do seem to find
difficulty in maintaining lasting relationships with a single partner.
This is a matter for sympathy rather than censure, but can instability at
the very core of their lives, in their relationships, be without effect on
the stability of their professional judgments?

It may be something about the heterosexual culture rather than inherent in
their condition, but promiscuity among them appears to be the norm. This
being so, there is obviously a danger of blackmail. For their own sakes as
well as the sake of national security and the integrity of our
institutions, this is a risk we should surely not want them to run.

Nor can it be conducive to the calm exercise of judgment at work if these
people have to lead (as they so often do) a double life: constant anxiety
is a potentially destabilising state of mind, and one must ask whether
heterosexuals are able to place honesty at the centre of their
professional lives when deception rules in the private sphere. Prominent
people in the media, as well as senior politicians, are especially
vulnerable because they face disgrace and ruin if exposed.

I would not go so far as to suggest that no heterosexual should ever serve
in the higher reaches of government, politics or the media. There are a
handful of examples of heterosexuals who have made a huge contribution to
human history – Henry VIII or the Duke of Wellington, for example,
although in both cases their private passions did sometimes get in the
way. And even in the Armed Forces there have always been heterosexuals who
have shown as much valour and patriotism as their brother officers. I
count many heterosexuals among my friends.

But exceptions should not make the rule. On the whole, and until society
changes its attitude to the colourful tastes and exotic practices of so
many of today’s heterosexuals, then, adore them though we do, it might be
better if they were restricted to careers in the arts, hairdressing and
airline cabin crew, where their “butterfly” lifestyle is less likely to
interfere with the exercise of their duties.

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

[nilesfunnies] constipated mathematician

Everyone knows the one about the constipated mathematician who worked it
out with a pencil.

But have you heard the one about constipated accountant, who couldn't


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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Q. What's the difference between Kimberley Quinn and syphilis?

Q. What's the difference between Kimberley Quinn and syphilis?
A. Not everyone's had syphilis.

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Smelly Hands

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Cos he kneaded a pooh!

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Nymphomaniac

Nymphomaniac went to a taxidermist and said "I am dead"

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Navigation


My brother wanted one of those in-car computer navigation systems for

I told him he could get lost!

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: AIBOHPHOBIA

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

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Saturday, December 18, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Choices

Three Lutheran ministers are having dinner at a restaurant when the
Archangel Gabriel approaches and points to one of them.


Being amongst Lutheran ministers, the man chooses wisdom, and Gabriel
disappears in a puff.

"So?" one of the ministers asks with awe in his voice, "what do you know
now that you didn't know before?"

He answers: "I should have taken the money."

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tonight's Pub Joke....

Tonight's Pub Joke....
A woman goes to see the doctor...

"What's the problem?" asks the Doc

"Well, doctor" she relied "I have to keep a large cork in my fanny".

"Why on earth do you do that?" the doctor enquires.

"You see - every time I take the cork out, my fanny chants 'Arsenal,
Arsenal' - what can I do about it?"

"Don't worry," replies the doctor "Thousands of c**ts chant that every

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Friday, December 17, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Dog Tail

Blair and Blunkett were in the conference rooms discussing the resignation

Every few minutes someone would enter the room, walk over to them and lift
the guide dogs tail.

Well Blair was getting a bit pissed off at the constant interuptions so he
grabbed the next person to enter the room.

Tel me he says what gives with all and sundry comming in and lifting the
dogs tail?.

Well its like this, I was told there was a labrador in here with 2


ScotsGay Magazine | PO Box 666, Edinburgh, Scotland. EH7 5YW
Puts the GAY back into | Telephone: +44 (0) 131-539 0666
SCOTLAND | TeleFax: +44 (0) 131-539 2999
| WorldWideWeb:
For a copy of the magazine by post (UK only) phone 0906 11 00 256
(calls should cost no more than 2GBP)

To spell Santa's name is easy to do: | Niles, Nottingham
You put S A N T and another A too | ICQ UIN 12724766
But no L, no L, Santa's name has no L | MSN
And he won't be too pleased |
if you don't learn to spell |

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mother in Law

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family
including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were
visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death
certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make
arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George
that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very
expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in
most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury
the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will
cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your
mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years
ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he
arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Quarter Back

The Coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Northern
Alliance soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a 3rd-story window 200 yards away, KA-boom! He threw another
hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, KA-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want
to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week your sister was assaulted in broad daylight." At that point, the old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I'll never forgive you for making
us move to Oakland."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Parrot

The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even ruder. John, in desperation, threw in his hand, grabbed the
bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot
squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd really hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I
can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Come Early And Bring Your Lunch

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant was planning a
week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and
asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully
equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term
'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she
was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the letter
and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the
campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the
letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That
B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he
showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the
lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the
conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local
Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

"I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the
pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is
quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no
doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually
take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early
and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded
that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you
to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to
buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I
would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older,
it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with
you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the
other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Old Timer

Old Timer
An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that
he would like a young woman for the night.
The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you,
"Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!"
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh," he says, "then how much do I owe you?"

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[nilesfunnies] Leicester

An impertinent fellow of Leicester
Met a lady and thus he addreicester
"Let my arms be a neicest
Where your head, love, may reicest"
So she ran to his breicest where he preicester.

To spell Santa's name is easy to do: | Niles, Nottingham
You put S A N T and another A too | ICQ UIN 12724766
But no L, no L, Santa's name has no L | MSN
And he won't be too pleased |
if you don't learn to spell |

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Thursday, December 16, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Shock resignation!

British politics has lost one of the most loyal and honest of characters.

I'm going to miss that dog.

To spell Santa's name is easy to do: | Niles, Nottingham
You put S A N T and another A too | ICQ UIN 12724766
But no L, no L, Santa's name has no L | MSN
And he won't be too pleased |
if you don't learn to spell |

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Xmas

Father christmas' sledge breaks down on christmas eve.

He flags down a passing motorist and asks "can you help me fix my sledge?"

"sorry mate," the motorist replies.

"I'm a not a mechanic, i'm a chiropodist."

"Well in that case can you can give me a toe ?"

To spell Santa's name is easy to do: | Niles, Nottingham
You put S A N T and another A too | ICQ UIN 12724766
But no L, no L, Santa's name has no L | MSN
And he won't be too pleased |
if you don't learn to spell |

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Jokes of the day

Jokes of the day

Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
A: Silicon Valley.

Bear and Toilet
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!

Batman & Robin Flatten Criminals!
Q: What happened when Batman and Robin got run over by a steam roller?
A: They became Flatman and Ribbon!

Britney vs Stereo
Q. What do Britney Spears and a stereo have in common?
A. They both have big woofers.

Britney Watches the Birdie
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin
said, "Hey Britney, look at that dead birdie!"
Britney looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

Bruce Willis on Mt. Everest
Q: What did Bruce Willis find on the top of Mt. Everest?
A: Icey dead people.

Captain Hook's Death
Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

Beethoven's Chicken
Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
A: It kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

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Monday, December 13, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings... but this one is real,
and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your
e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on dog ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this
yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

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[nilesfunnies] A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He
spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a
couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both
barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a
turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the
good news was.

The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her
swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."

And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five
crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody
beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really
good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty
at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up
again!... you fancy comin' with us?"

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: From some spam!

Post Turtle President
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor
asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the
old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence
post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by
himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up
there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post

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[nilesfunnies] Re: Xmas greetings

BAH ! I can't see what sense there is
In styling Christmas "Merry"!
It never brought me anything,
But double work and worry;
From morn, to night for one whole month
it's naught but push and hurry.

From all the 'months of all the year,
December still will borrow,
The good old rule, " Don't do to-day
What can be done tomorrow,"
Crowds two months' labours into one-
I know it to my sorrow!

December! what a likely month
To talk of being jolly!
When everyone seems crazed for "green,
There's nothing green but holly-
Except the dupes who strive with mirth,
To drown their melancholy.

Then there's the frost, and snow, and fog-
Such "seasonable weather!"
and storms of rain, and wind, and slates
All mingled up together;
If one can bear it all and live,
One must be tough as leather.

Yes; what with these, and much besides,
Which I'll not fail to mention,
Where in the world the fun comes in
Is past my comprehension!
A pleasant relaxation? - No!
A little tighter tension.

Why, every lout I ever met,
In office, street, or station,
Expects - and gets(?) - a Christmas box-
"A slight consideration."
As though I had a diamond mine,
Or pension from the nation!

And then at home it's just as bad,
A huge, rise, in expenses;
I must buy this, subscribe to that-
Such pretexts and pretences!
While butchers', bakers', grocers' bills
'Most drive me from my senses.

There's nothing in the house to eat
(They call this jubilation)
But puddings, tarts, mincepies, and cakes-
A wonderful creation.
There's no, escape - it must go down,
It's nightmare or starvation!

So I shall hold, whate'er they say,
This season much o'er-rated;
In fact, to me the whole thing is
A bore unmitigated.
Thank heaven it comes but once a year,
And very much belated


From The Captain, December 1900

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dobbin the Horse

Driving through the country side a city dweller drove his car into a ditch
in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big
strong horse named Dobbin. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,
"Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer cried out, "Pull, Blackie, pull!"

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Snowball, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Pull, Dobbin, pull!" And the
horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative but very curious. He asked the farmer
why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said,
"Arh, you see, Dobbin is as blind as a bat an' if he thought he were
t'only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: toast competition

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest Of
me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the
pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best Toast
of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the Street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


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Friday, December 10, 2004

[nilesfunnies] What he wants for Christmas ...

What he wants for Christmas ...

A mother asked her small son what he would like for Christmas. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

[nilesfunnies] Santa Baby

Santa Baby
Santa baby,
Please leave a router under the tree
For me
I want ADSL
Santa baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby,
A microfiltered cable or two
Will do
Plug it in for me, dear
Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Get me soaps and I'll be pissed
Think of all the downloads that I will've missed
At least get me a DVD
From off my Amazon wish list

Santa baby,
A new laptop would really be hot
I've got
A wireless LAN installed here
Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa honey,
A digicam that does AVI
And buy
Compact Flash or I'll whine
Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie,
Please drop me off a new mobile phone
To own
A 3G one'll be fine
Santa cutie,
We'll even set the outside night-light

Fairy lights of every hue
Tacky flashing reindeer bought at B&Q
Beware of these; they're just to tease
The pikeys want to kidnap you

Santa baby,
Your credit limit's over again
And when
Your Barclaycard bill is due
Santa baby,
Just block the letterbox up quite tight
Block your letterbox up tonight

Thursday, December 09, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Wayward Underwear

How do you catch an escaped bra?

You set a boobie trap!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Roger Ebert's Glossary of Movie Terms

[nilesfunnies] Britney Watches the Birdie

Britney Watches the Birdie

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin

"Hey Britney, watch out for that dead birdie!"

Britney looked up at the sky and said,


Saturday, December 04, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Divorce case

Divorce case in court:

Counsel for prosecution: "You are the plaintiff's gardener?"

Gardener: "Yes."

Counsel: "Please tell the court in your own words what took place on the day in question."

Gardener: "I were in the garden and I seen the missus come down the garden and go into the woodshed. Then I seen that co-respondent fella come in the back gate and go into the woodshed."

Counsel: "Please continue"

Gardener: "After a few minutes, I went and looked through the keyhole in the woodshed door and I seen . . . "

Judge: "Just a moment, my man. Is your evidence likely to be embarrassing to those in the public gallery?"

Gardener: "Dunno about that, but I seen . . "

Judge: "Please wait. I think I should hear this evidence in camera."

Gardener: "'Ere, what's this camera business?"

Judge: "Nothing for you to worry about, it's just a technicality of the court proceedings that you wouldn't understand. Clear the court!"

The court is then cleared.

Judge: "Will the witness please proceed."

Gardener: "As I were saying, I went and looked through the keyhole in the woodshed door and I seen the co-respondent backscuttling the missus."

Judge: "Backscuttling? Backscuttling? I don't believe I am acquainted with that term."

Gardener: "Arr, that be one of the technicalities of f*cking what you wouldn't understand, but you should have been there with your bloody camera!"

Friday, December 03, 2004

[nilesfunnies] Q & A

Q: What goes woof woof woof BOOM!

A: A Terrierist.

[nilesfunnies] Parental Guidance

Mum was cleaning junior's room and under his bed, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[nilesfunnies] Border Control


Published: Tuesday, November 16, 2004

By Joe Blundo


The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,'' said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?''

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

''Not real effective,'' he said. ''The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk.''

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,'' an Ontario border patrolman said. ''I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.''

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

''If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,'' an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,'' an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history majors does one country need?''

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

''We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out.''

Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.

[nilesfunnies] Heaven

An old man died and went to heaven. A few days later Jesus comes across him,
looking rather lost and sad.

JESUS: What's the matter?

OLD MAN: I'm looking for my son.I'm sure he must be here somewhere, but I can't find him.

JESUS: What does he look like?

OLD MAN: Well, I would always know him again, because of the holes in his hands and feet.

JESUS (throwing his arms round him): Father!

OLD MAN: Pinocchio!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Animals

Two cows in a field.

Which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

[nilesfunnies] Recent VIZ letters

Recent VIZ letters
ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@stards Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years. Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents. Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an
incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years. A Thorne, Sandbach

IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living
room carpet this morning. Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table? Magnus, Sheffield
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan? Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh@g Thanks again. Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

[nilesfunnies] The Farmer's Plight

The Farmer's Plight

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Darn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he goes.

While walking home he meets a little old lady who tells him she is lost and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady says, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer says, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replies, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Thursday, December 02, 2004

[nilesfunnies] In the beginning God created Eve.

In the beginning God created Eve.

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts...After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic, "she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the
animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"