nilesfunnies

Monday, January 31, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sir Thos Beecham



Sir Thos Beecham
During a rehearsal one day, Sir Thomas Beecham was dismayed to find that
one of his players was not keeping proper time. "We cannot expect you to
be with us the whole time," he said, unleashing his wit on the hapless
musician, "but perhaps you would be kind enough to keep in touch now and
again?"



Thomas Beecham was once asked whether it was true that he preferred not to
have women in the orchestra. Indeed it was: "The trouble is if they are
attractive it will upset my players," he explained, "and if they're not it
will upset me."



While rehearsing Handel's Messiah one day, Thomas Beecham turned to the
choir to deliver a request: "When we sing 'All we, like sheep, have gone
astray,'" he said, "might we please have a little more regret, and a
little less satisfaction?"


Sir Thomas Beecham stopped an orchestra during rehearsal and speaking to
the lead (lady) cellist said 'Madam, you have Gods greatest gift to
mankind between your legs and all you can do is sit there and scratch
it'!...



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bass player



Bass player

A band is beginning to do really well. As they perform one night they
are all thinking. The lead singer is thinking, "When we become really
rich I'm going to buy a huge mansion, with a swimming pool, .....". The
lead guitarist is thinking, "When we become really rich I'm going to buy
a sports car, a Mercedes, a vintage Rolls, ......". The drummer is
thinking, "When we become really rich I'm going to buy handmade suits, a
Rolex watch, ......". And the bass player is thinking, "C C C C F F G G
C C C C .....".



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: then there was the vicar who one Sunday started his sermon by getting all



then there was the vicar who one Sunday started his sermon by getting all
the little children to come and sit at the front and he said, "I'm
thinking of a little fluffy creature who has big floppy ears and a little
white fluffy tail and whiskers and who's a lovely furry friend to little
children. Can any little boy or girl tell me who this might be?"
After a long silence a little boy puts his hand up and says, "Well, I know
the answer's Jesus but it actually sounds like a rabbit to me."


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bloke driving along breaks down and walks to nearest building for help.



Bloke driving along breaks down and walks to nearest building for help.
This happens to be a monastery and the brothers invite him to supper while
he waits.

After supper the monks one by one shout out numbers to which the reply is
varying degrees of snorting/tittering/laughter.

The bloke becomes puzzled by this and a little annoyed thinking that maybe
the monks are taking the piss.

Eventually he asks brother Thomas what is going on. Thomas explains that
they have been here so long that they know every joke by heart and to save
time they just call out the assigned no. and to prove the point asks the
bloke if he would like a go.

OK he says and shouts out 126 at which point the brothers start rolling
around on the floor laughing fit to burst.

Wow says bloke to Thomas that must be a really good one.No replies thomas
they have not heard it before.


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: animal quiz



One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up picture
of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their
hand. The teacher says, "See its long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks, "Is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a
zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this
animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a
deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your
mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "I know! I know what it is! It's a horny
bastard!"


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Johnny Carson on Democracy




"What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits
of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can
grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice
president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single
dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races,
colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship -- 18
years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have
to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy
does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having
two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting
adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting
adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and
giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It
means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die
owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa,
Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow
to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of
campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting
even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.
Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door.
It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but
free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be
talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted
by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've
just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to
bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13
arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars
over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this
country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck
for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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Sunday, January 30, 2005

[nilesfunnies] FW:



Two paedophiles are sitting on a park bench when a 13 year old girl
walks by. One turns to the other and says, "I bet she was a real goer in
her day."


--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


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Thursday, January 27, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The dream of chickens



One night, Harry went to bed. Harry did like he always does, kissing his
wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.

All of a sudden, he wakes up to find an elderly man standing in front of
his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he
asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are
in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young."
said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "if you want to return you can only
return as a hen. Wouldn't you rather stay in heaven???"

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that a hen probably
has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that
bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely
feathered. But man, his arse felt like it was gonna blow... then along
came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How are you?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my arse is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you
never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop'
and an egg appeared.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed
and yet another egg appeared.

He was about to lay a third when he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods
sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"


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[nilesfunnies] Bush




George Bush could not sleep one night. The ghost of George Washington
appeared to him. "What should I do for the good of the American people ?
" Bush asked. "Always tell the truth" replied the first president. Next,
the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared. "What shall I do for the
American people ?" asked Bush. "Set them free, cut taxes, trust them"
replied Jefferson. Next appeared the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "What
shall I do for the American people ?" asked Bush. "Go to the theatre..."
replied Abe.



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[nilesfunnies] Texan


A Texan friend of mine was on a business trip in China, browsing through a
department store in Beijing when a staff member approached him.

"Excuse me, sir, are you American?"

"Why yes, yes I am."

"What state are you from?"

"Texas," my friend proudly exclaimed.

Disappointed, the clerk said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was hoping to find someone
to help me with my English."


--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood - another version




Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood - another version
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would
have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact
exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be
stealing work from the unionised people who have struggled for years to
earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red
Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to
oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all wormy
were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the
basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help
engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by
implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own
selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother
wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior
to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed
that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood
knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms
instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an
exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in
fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of
thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless
society all marginalised peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods
and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled
to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her
basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to
strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own personhood,
and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop and alternative and
yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to
be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house. But because his status outside of society had freed
him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew
of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender
role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the
bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage
and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute
you in your role as wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red
Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget
that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could
see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting
something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my
permission before proceeding in a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so
startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same
time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I
let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement
scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is
a Police sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness
you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured
me in here. I though I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any
aspirin?"

"Sure" said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving
a little belch, and said "Do you have any Milk of Magnesia?"



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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE



I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE

Just received, a day or so early, *from an Australian*

GOD BUT I LOVE BEING AN AUSSIE...

WE ARE ONE - We are the people of a free nation of blokes,
sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a
few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the
best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it
whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into States.

First, there's Victoria,
named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is
the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big
horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is
that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's New South Wales,
the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read
quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more
queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots
are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the
left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania,
a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together
stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at
conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia,
is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and
bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you
so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just
out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but
lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep
at the wheel.

Western Australia,
is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame
is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work. W.A. was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
government and business.

The Northern Territory,
is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty kids
with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on
the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our
way to Bali.

And there's Queensland.
While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a
nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made
Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled
it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes! And, there's Canberra, the less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united
in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap
in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes
and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be
right mate", our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national
anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count,
like cricket, swimming, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, 'roo
shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the
tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security
guards, or cameras, but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by
sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed
minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are, Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our
National Crest!!!! (the 'roo and emu). No other country has this
distinction!



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Psychiatrist



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers,

"Come on Dick, we're leaving."



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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Monday, January 24, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Some men ...


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter: In his highly aroused
state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time
they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute
way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state: Over the next few minutes, he explained that his
company had gone through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had
been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook that showed thirty years of
deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him
stock certificates issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank.

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these
holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.....



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Chief Rabbi paying a visit to the Pope




The Chief Rabbi paying a visit to the Pope sees a red telephone under a
glass cover on a pillar in the Pope's office. "What," he asks, "is that?"
"Oh, the hotline to God." says the pope. The Rabbi asks if he could use
it as a word with the boos would be useful at this point and is allowed
to. When the call is finished the Pope asks for €250 which he is duly
paid.

Some time later the Pope returns the visit to the Rabbi in Jerusalem and
likewise notices a red phone which he is told is the Rabbi's hotline to
God. He too makes a call and has a good long natter at the end of which
the Rabbi asks him for five shekels for the cost of the call.

"Five shekels!" cries the Pope. "Why so cheap?" "Ah," says the Rabbi,
"you see from here it's only a local call."











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[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Pope and the Jew


The Pope and the Jew
Since I've just been in Rome I'll post (re-post possibly) one of my
favourite jokes...


Some centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews were to be expelled
from Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So
the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a Jewish
leader, and if the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews
would leave.

The Jews picked an elderly rabbi named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi
Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew none. Eventually, after
negotiations, the pope agreed to a silent debate.

Moishe and the Pope sat in chairs opposite each other in the Sistine
Chapel for a full 5 minutes before the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope looked thoughtful, and after a few minutes waved his hand in a
circle around his head. Moishe promptly pointed to the ground where he
sat.

The Pope looked troubled. Then he smiled turned to the table next to
him and picked up a communion wafer and chalice of wine, which he raised
in Moishe's direction. Moishe shrugged and pulled an apple from his
sleeve.

The Pope immediately stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good.
The Jews can stay."

Later, the cardinals gathered round the Pope asking what had happened. The
Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that we still share the
same God. Then I waved my hand about to show him that our God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that his God
was also right here with us. Finally I pulled out the components of the
Mass to show that Jesus absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple
to remindind me that we all carry original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What
happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the
Jews had three days to get out of Rome so I told him that not one of us
was leaving. Then he told me that the whole city would be cleared of
Jews. so I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his
lunch so I took out mine."


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?



How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees
to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried
chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and
one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to
do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you
have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem
or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of
which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and
a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?


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Saturday, January 22, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Kilroy-Silk goes it alone



Kilroy-Silk goes it alone

From The Spoof website
http://tinyurl.com/52cas

At a public meeting in his East Midlands constituency, Narcissistic
Personality Disorder sufferer Robert Kilroy-Silk explained to his fan why
he is quitting the UK Independence Party.

Journalists were earlier tipped off about Mr Kilroy-Silk's decision to
leave UKIP by Mr Kilroy-Silk himself as he left home this morning jumping
up and down and shouting “Look at me! Look at me! I'm Robert and I'm going
to be God one day. But tonight I'm leaving UKIP. Look at me! Look at me!”

Later, Mr Kilroy-Silk was greeted by a huge crowd of two reporters and a
photographer when he arrived at the Hinckley Big Bingo Hall in his pram,
which was pushed by minder Damian Hockney, the only fan of the limelight
loving MEP.

As soon as Mr Hockney pulled back the pram's hood, the reporters surged
forward and fought for microphone space while Mr Kilroy-Silk sucked on his
dummy.

“Are you leaving the party because you can't lead it?” a forthright
journalist asked.

“No! No! No!” cried Mr Kilroy-Silk, throwing his dummy onto the pavement.
“I didn't want to lead that stupid party anyway!”

Seeing that the MEP was close to tears, his minder quickly pushed the pram
inside the building, knocking over the broadsheet photographer who was
trying to get a shot of the solitary dummy on the floor.

From his play-pen on the stage of the Bingo Hall, Mr Kilroy-Silk addressed
a loyal army of empty seats while Mr Hockney stood close by with a bottle
of warm milk and a rusk.

The meeting lasted for three hours, with the MEP talking about politics
for a minute and about himself for the rest of the time.

Later, when asked about what he thought of Mr Kilroy-Silk's performance,
Mr Hockney told The Spoof: “Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. He's a god. It's
as simple as that. I worship him. I want to kiss his toes. I'm prepared to
take any shit thrown at him.”

Now that he has left UKIP, Mr Kilroy-Silk is expected to form his own
political party called Vanus.



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels



A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of
every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
suggested list of warnings appears below.


WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional
to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per
Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions
of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although
No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process
Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by
a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive
Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be
Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer
Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will
Exist
Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim
to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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Friday, January 21, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The difference between Hawaii and England



The difference between Hawaii and England


http://www.webtech.co.uk/fun/hawaii.jpg

http://www.webtech.co.uk/fun/england.jpg


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Thursday, January 20, 2005

[nilesfunnies] LATIN and its modern equivalent:



LATIN and its modern equivalent:

Although the use of Latin is now officially discouraged by our courts, it
has not escaped attention that lawyers still like to pepper their writing
with phrases such as 'caveat emptor', 'ex turpi causa', 'de minimis non
curat lex', and so on.

Unfortunately, with the decline of classics teaching in our schools and the
abandonment of Latin in the courts, there must be a real risk that lawyers
will soon forget these useful phrases and, more importantly, what they mean.

(Clients, of course, never understood the phrases in the first place, which
explains why they are used so frequently.)

May I commend this admirable and erudite lexicon which contains many helpful
translations of Latin tags and phrases.

1. Quid pro quo The sterling exchange rate

2. Post hoc propter hoc A little more white wine wouldn't hurt us

3. Ad hoc Wine not included

4. Adsum Small extras on the bill

5. Exempli gratia Token tip

6. Infra dig Terrible accommodation

7. Primus inter pares The stove has fallen in the fire

8. Compos mentis Nora's making mint sauce

9. Carpe diem Fish frying tonight

10. Non anglii, sed angeli Fishing absolutely prohibited

11. Curriculum Indian restaurant

12. Casus belli Gastro-enteritis

13. Sic transit gloria mundi The nausea will pass away, and
you'll be fine by Monday

14. O tempora o mores! The Times is no more, alas!

15. Quis custodiet custodes ipsos Do you keep the Guardian?

16. Post meridiem The mail does not arrive until midday

17. Fiat lux Car wash

18. Rara avis No car hire available

19. Volenti non fit injuria The accident was caused by a badly fitted
steering wheel

20. Reductio ad absurdum Road narrows

21. Nil obstat River Nile impassable

22. Nil desperandum River Nile overflowing

23. De minimis non curat lex Lex garages cannot undertake to service small
cars

24. Terminus ad quem Bus station for Quem (small
Romanian town)

25. Caeteris paribus Restaurant facilities are
available on the Paris coach

26. Post mortem Mail strike

27. Expostfacto Not known at this address

28. Sub rosa Rather unattractive Italian girl

29. Sal volatile Rather attractive Italian girl

30. Gloria in excelsis Very attractive Italian girl

31. Noli me tangere I do not wish to dance with you

32. Ars longa, vita brevis Unsuitable bathing costume (literally: big
bottom, small briefs)

33. Hic jacet Old-fashioned coat

34. Ecce homo Gay bar

35. Timeo Danaos et Dona Ferentes That nice couple we met in Portugal

36. Mens sana Male massage parlour

37. Ex libris Dirty books

38. Ex cathedra Ruined church

39. Inter alia An Italian airline

40. Summa cum laude Peak holiday period

41. In loco parentis Railway family compartment

42. Quondam Part of Holland reclaimed from the sea

43. Dum spiro Stupid Greek person

44. Festina lente Shops shut on Continent
(literally: Lenten holiday)

45. Aut Caesar aut nihil An Italian football result

46. Tertium quid 33p

47. Nil illegitimes carborundum Don't let the bastards grind you down



--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Aliens



Aliens
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had
been closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and the younger of the two aliens
addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."
The gas pump of course didn't respond.
The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older
one said, "I wouldn't push it if I were you".
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that ....
you really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and
fired.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards
them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt
and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness,
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked
dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him....slowly shaking
his big green head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one.
"It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous??"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy,
peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've
learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old
alien, "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Still more Tsunami



Still more Tsunami
Bob Geldof is organising a record for Flood Aid. It will feature the song
"The tide is high" on the 'A' side with the old Ralph Reader gang show
favourite "Riding along on the crest of a wave" on the 'B' side.
So far he has recruited Muddy Waters, The Drifters, Wet Wet Wet and the
Beach Boys, but is looking for others to participate.

Apparently a close runner up for the B-side was

Wave of Mutilation by the Pixies.

Katrina and the Waves are reputed to be helping too.

The Surfaris might be interested.

I heard Sandi Shaw's name too...



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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Today's Stock Market Report



Today's Stock Market Report


Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market, while pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom and nappies remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up, while Coca Cola fell flat.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom as The Sun peaked at midday.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Re: Spam poetry revisited



1.

There once was a man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

2.

There once was a man from Verdun.

3.

[A limerick about Nero that no one's been able to write down.]


--
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www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ananova - Police hunt poo protesters


Ananova - Police hunt poo protesters

Police in Germany are hunting pranksters who have been sticking miniature
US flags into piles of dog poo in public parks.

Josef Oettl, parks administrator for Bayreuth, said: "This has been going
on for about a year now, and there must be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of
excrement that have been claimed during that time."

The series of incidents was originally thought to be some sort of protest
against the US-led invasion of Iraq.

And then when it continued it was thought to be a protest against
President George W. Bush's campaign for re-election.

But it is still going on and the police say they are completely baffled as
to who is to blame.

"We have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is doing this in
the act," said police spokesman Reiner Kuechler. "But frankly, we don't
know what we would do if we caught them red handed."

Legal experts say there is no law against using faeces as a flag stand and
the federal constitution is vague on the issue.


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Monday, January 17, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Good news, or what?



Hmmm -- if you receive one of these, I'd be inclined to take it with a
pinch of salt.

n

= starts =

The Earl Marshal's Office,
Buckingham Palace,
London SW1A 1AA
Ref: HMG/1066&allthat/succession/

I am commanded to inform you that documents have come to light in
the Royal Archive establishing beyond doubt that you are the
successor in title to HRH Prince Kevin, the true first-born child of
HM Queen Victoria and HRH Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, born
illegimately a year prior to the birth of HRH Prince Edward (later
Edward VII, the King-Emperor).

Your great-great-grandfather's birth was kept quiet for fear of
scandal, and he was raised in secret in Cowes, Isle of Wight.

My further researches reveal that HRH Prince Kevin secretly married
on a number of occasions into the Royal Houses of Hapsburg, Romanov,
and he also entered into a treaty with Abraham Lincoln under which
(in return for aid during the American Civil War) the United States
of America will revert to a monarchy as the United Principalities of
North America. By a series of seemingly implausible quirks of fate,
you are his Sole Inheritor.

On hearing the news, HM Queen Elizabeth agreed immediately to
abdicate in your favour; the European Union has declared World War
One and Two null and void; and both Russia and the United States of
America have renounced their republican status. His Holiness the
Pope has stated his intention to abdicate in your favour. The crowns
of Rohan and Gondor are yours too, as is that of Ruritania.

Upon the completion of one or two trifling formalities, you will
therefore be enthroned as King-Emperor of Great Britain and her
Dominions, Territories, Colonies and Possessions; Tsar of All
Russias; Kaiser of the German Federation; Supreme Pontiff of the
Western Church; and Emperor of the Principalities of North America,
and Sovereign Prince of all lands omitted for brevity herein.

Protocol requires that these formalities are completed outside your
realms, e.g. the Netherlands. Accordingly, please sell your house
(you will own well over a hundred palaces so you will have no need
of it) and send £250,000 in cash to my office to cover the necessary
Royal set-up costs.

For security reasons, you are required to keep this information
confidential till your claim is processed. This is a precautionary
measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse.

To file your claim, please contact our fiduciary within a week,
quoting ref: HMG/1066&allthat/succession/ in all correspondence.

Eric Earl-Marshall,
Maximum Finance And Security BV.
Avesunamastraat 107,
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Tel: +31-651-954-640
Fax: +31-642-565-060
Email: maximumfinance04@netscape.net

All major credit cards accepted. Never knowingly undersold.

= ends =



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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Sunday, January 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Good News



Good News
After a very worrying couple of weeks where their absence was all too
obvious, bar owners in Phuket report that customers are starting to drift
back again.



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Saturday, January 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's a Beckham one



It's a Beckham one
David Beckham has sent a million pounds to Newcastle after hearing there
was a disaster with the Toon Army.


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Power Cut



Power Cut
Apparently, there was a power cut in Debenhams this mornings.

14 blondes were stuck on the escalator for nearly 3 hours ...



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[nilesfunnies] WWJD


*WWJD*

These letters will never be the same to you again.

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials
also stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the
Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The
passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and
terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favours Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are
warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk
about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ
tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible
passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's
Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And following the Masters lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda... "The
Apostles were in one Accord."

:)

Neil



---- End Forwarded Message ----



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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dubya - again


Dubya - again
According to a magazine I have here, apparently a bit of time travel has
been taking place.

It seems Dubya was in an airport lobby and saw this old gent in a long,
white, flowing robe and sporting a long, white, flowing beard.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other
arm. Dubya approached him and asked, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored
Dubya and stared at the ceiling.

Dubya positioned himself more directly in front of the man and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses?" Again, the man ignored him and continued
staring at the ceiling. Dubya tugged at his sleeve and asked again,
"Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded, in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". Dubya asked
him why he'd not answered the previous times he'd asked.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up stuck in a
desert for 40 Years!"


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Friday, January 14, 2005

[nilesfunnies] That Prince Harry Costume in Full


I found this on B3ta and thought of you.

http://www.b3ta.com/board/4153023


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[nilesfunnies] Heck!



"Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh"


--
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ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
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[nilesfunnies] Fw: A European Debate




A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon!"

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum!"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians!"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire!"

And so on and so on until the Greek says: "Ah, but we invented sex."

The Italian nods, and says: "That is true, but was it not we Italians who
introduced it to women."


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[nilesfunnies] Accountants



How do you tell an extroverted accountant from an introverted one?



The extroverted accountant looks at /your/ shoes when he's talking to you.



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Thursday, January 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: ..and another...



A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the
woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark
naked. The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."

"What are you doing in there?"

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"


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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Heard while performing colonoscopies



Heard while performing colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

* I usually don't do this on the first date.

* "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"

* "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


* "Can you hear me now?"

* "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

* "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

* "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

* "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put
your left and in and you shake it all about...."

* "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

* "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

* "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

* "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

And the best one of them all...

* "Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered
medical opinion, my head is *not* up there?"



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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Who am I?




>> TV character guessing machine <<
"The computer asks you a series of questions,"
burbles Elliott "and tries to guess which film
or TV character you are pretending to be." Fun
to play around with for a while and it learns
as it goes, so it's harder and harder to stump.
http://guess.priceshout.com/


--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


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[nilesfunnies] a quote by Gore Vidal



"Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or
books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either."




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Sunday, January 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tsunami Joke



The round the world sailing record has just been smashed - by a Sri Lancan
in a deckchair.

And apparently the Australian surf record has just been broken by a Sri
Lankan on a wardrobe


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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Which of Dickens' Characters Liked to Grab Women's Tits?




Which of Dickens' Characters Liked to Grab Women's Tits?

Q: Which of Dickens' characters liked to grab women's tits?

A: David Cop-a-feel!


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Thursday, January 06, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: FA explains United goal ruling



FA explains United goal ruling

An FA spokesman after the game
absolved the linesman of any
responsibility for the apparently
mistaken decision not to award a
goal to Spurs after a shot from the
halfway line crossed the goal line
by at least a meter.

"The shot came in from an unusual
distance and as such caught the
linesman out of position forcing him
to race back towards the goal as the
play developed", explained the
spokesman, "As he ran, the United
scarf he was wearing under his shirt
came loose and fluttered up into his
face obscuring his view and
preventing him from making the call.
It was just one of those things."

In response to further questions
from the Press the spokesman
explained "If they don't already
have a United tattoo most officials
on game day try to wear a scarf or a
replica shirt under their regulation
kit to show their support for the
worlds greatest club. The linesman
in this case had chosen to wear a
United scarf, a common choice that
is in keeping with FA guidelines.
The root cause of the problem lies
not with the linesman but with the
players and management of Tottenham
Hotspur Football Club who broke one
the most important unwritten rules
of the English FA: They placed a
shot on target at Old Trafford.
Martin Jol is new to this country
and perhaps he s not yet familiar
with some of our finer traditions.
Fortunately if he doesn't yet
understand that for the greater good
of the game visiting teams, by
tradition, are not expected to try
to score at Old Trafford then our
officials are in a position to help
Mr Jol make that cultural
adjustment."


[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Twelve Truths of Life


The Twelve Truths of Life

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and
a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence?

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I
have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

1. Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on
expired visas (some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two
days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. I think
we should put Blockbuster in charge of US immigration.




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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Different opinions



Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and
was not feeling well. So he decided to see a Doctor.
"Hey Doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The Doctor gave him a through examination and informed Wiremu that he had
prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way Doc" replied Wiremu " I'm getting a second opinion ey!"
The second Pommy Doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised
him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks
opening game he found an ex pat Kiwi Doctor and decided to get a last
opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi Doctor examined him and said " Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness
ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu - hoping for a different
answer.
"Wull, Wiremu" said the Kiwi Doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off y'r
balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, those Pommy bastards wanted to
take my test tickets off me!"



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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] disaster



1. There is a new diet being promoted in South East Asia - It's called
"Swimfast"

2. The Uk authorities are anticipating an influx of illegal immigrants
from South East Asia - apparently they will be coming in several waves!


[nilesfunnies] Dogs



Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.


--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] In-flight announcements



IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as heck everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


Monday, January 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Collections for the Tsunami appeal


Collections for the Tsunami appeal

Like lots of people I feel that I ought to "do my bit"
to help, so, I've decided to start a collection to send
out a load of Fairy Liquid.

Why? Well, I heard on the news that a lot of them are
washing up on the beach.

--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


[nilesfunnies] Sundays papers rounded up...


Same story, same old agendas...

The Sunday Mirror tells the story of a father who had his wife and child
torn from him by the waves.

The Mail on Sunday reports a father's attack on UK officials who have
refused to help him bring home the body of his son who died in the sea
surges.

The Sunday Post tells the story of a Scottish father who saved his family
from the water by strapping them into a palm tree using beach towels.

The Sunday Times Scotland claims the British death toll for the disaster
stretch into the hundreds.

The Scotland on Sunday covers Tony Blair's admission that he had
underestimated the scale of the Indian Ocean disaster.

The Sunday Herald reports on hundreds of thousands of tsunami survivors are
still waiting for aid to reach them seven days after the disaster first hit.

The Observer claims the UK is preparing to commit troops to the relief
effort after an emergency appeal for help from the United Nations.

And the Scottish Sunday Express asks its readers to help prevent a second
tragedy for children orphaned by the tsunami.

The Scottish News of the World reveals the blonde Swedish bikini-clad mother
pictured running into the sea as a giant tsunami moved towards her children
is alive.


--
Niles, Nottingham | "instead of wasting hundreds of millions of pounds on
ICQ UIN 12724766 | compulsory ID cards [...] let that money provide
outpages.com/nilex | thousands of extra police officers on the beat in
www.niles.org.uk | our local communities" -- Tony Blair, 1995


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Hair



My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the
dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from
reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover
and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the
register the druggist tells her

"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few
days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know
I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week.



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