nilesfunnies

Thursday, March 31, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Last nights charity panto


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Last night’s charity panto
performance in aid of ‘Help the Paranoid’ descended into chaos ... Someone
in the audience shouted "He’s behind you!"

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

[nilesfunnies] essex girl


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What's the difference between an Essex girl and a supermarket trolley?

Only one of them has a mind of its own.

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | "It's tweed, you know.
outpages.com/nilex | There's no give in tweed."
www.niles.org.uk |

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blogs


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http://durrrrr.blogspot.com

Friday, March 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Check up


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A 60 year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him,

"You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might
live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was
your father when he died?"

The 60 year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes
skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the
summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years
old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your
grandfather very active?"

The 60 year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing
once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my
grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to
get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Some musical puns


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Customer in music shop: Do you sell sheet music?
Spanish shop assistant: Oh no, all the music we sell is very good!

Q: What does an alien say when he goes to a music shop to buy a copy of Die
Schone Mullerin?

A: Take me to your lieder!

Did you here about the man who read passages from the novel Possession with
great aplomb, and then hammered his way through some pieces from the
Well-Tempered Clavier? It was generally agreed that he was fairly harmless:
after all, his Bach was worse than his Byatt.....

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | "It's tweed, you know.
outpages.com/nilex | There's no give in tweed."
www.niles.org.uk |

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A husband with a computer addiction


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My Dear Husband, I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications
thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception,
but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your
computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well.
Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite
an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project,
all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic.
You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in
September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive
child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole
afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the
fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I
went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun!
George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in
my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the
household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind
being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in
good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you
noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so
you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George -
err - Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is
packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we
are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your
meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer
will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think
of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Your Wife.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The four conditions


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The four conditions

The day arrived in the Vatican for the Pope's annual physical - and the
Holy See were dismayed to hear he'd been diagnosed with a rare form of
testicular cancer. A genito-urinary specialist was called and, after
examination, told him the only cure is to have sex. After some thought,
the Pope licked his dry lips and spoke. 'I agree,' he says. 'But under
four conditions.' As an uproar broke out, a single voice cried out from
the hubbub: 'And what are these conditions?' The room stilled. There was a
long pause, before the Pope croaked, almost inaudibly: 'First, the girl
must be blind, so she cannot see who I am.' The cardinals nodded. 'Second,
she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who I am. And third she must be
dumb so that if somehow identifies me, she can tell no one.' There was
another pregnant pause. 'And the fourth condition?' a Cardinal piped up.
The Pope grinned. 'Big tits'

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, March 21, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Four Cats


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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,

"Tsquare, do your stuff."

Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,

"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,

"What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said,

"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,shit on
the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in
for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick
leave..

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The pilot


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The pilot
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What,
exactly was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | "It's tweed, you know.
outpages.com/nilex | There's no give in tweed."
www.niles.org.uk |

Sunday, March 20, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Please see the attached file ......


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Please see the attached file ......

http://www.webtech.co.uk/fun/fi_1_.jpg

--
Niles, Harrogate |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |

Saturday, March 19, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Pandas


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A Met PC was on his way to an urgent call in the Area Car. In his haste he
cut a corner rather tightly. Unfortunately there was another police car
coming the other way, on its way back from a routine enquiry. The ensuing
collision wrote off both vehicles, but injuries were mercifully minor.

The PC concerned is now stuck with the nickname Chi-Chi.

Because he fucks Pandas.

(Note for the youthful) I have just realised that most people under 35 won't
have heard of Chi-Chi. It was one of the pandas at London Zoo - their sex
lives, or the lack thereof, were of great interest to the Press for quite a
while.

This taken from the blog of a magistrate:

http://thelawwestofealingbroadway.blogspot.com/

--
Niles, Harrogate |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |

Friday, March 18, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Irish Wedding


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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition
going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a
storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally
kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break
up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings
silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's.
"Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional
in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the
Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the
music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a
sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride
an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my feckin fingers"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, March 17, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The message that this lot turned up in claimed that they are all actual


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The message that this lot turned up in claimed that they are all actual
"Personal ads" in the Dublin News. I have my doubts. However, in
the spirit of the day, I offer you these ...

Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man
who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting
fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiance,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after
a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a
lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats
in
cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super
model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Good Old Dave


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Good Old Dave
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the driver says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Arnoldson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour
in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighbourhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, to be honest I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"I married his widow."

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Chavs


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Chavs
1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to
watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you
try not to hit him? It might be your bike.

7. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick
and hairy, the other's a coconut.

8. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? "What you lookin'
at?"

9. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on
it.

10. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police

11. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.

12. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.

13. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some
uvver fellers job innit."

14. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random
stranger for no reason whatsoever.

15. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The problem is at your end


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The problem is at your end

One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target.

The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely
missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target.

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the
trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target
area,

"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Saturday, March 12, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Chinese meal


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A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the
menu and finally agree to share the chef's special Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.

"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and this time he sees two
beady little eyes looking around before the lid firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening
and demands an explanation.

"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"

"We both chose the same", he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."

"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter ....

.... "I've brought you the Peking Duck!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, March 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] M Jackson


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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?

The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

--
Niles, Harrogate |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |

Sunday, March 06, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sudan 1 cancer/food scare

Sudan 1 cancer/food scare

man walks up to a 24/7 garage/shop and approaches the counter...

Customer: Worcester sauce please mate...
Shop Keeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
C: Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?
SK: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare
C: Hamburger Relish?
SK: Cancer scare
C: Sausage and Mash?
SK: Cancer scare
C: Cottage Pie?
SK: Aye, ...no wait, cancer scare.
C: So they're all off the shelves because of a
cancer scare?
SK: Yup.
C: Jaysus, that's mad, just give me a packet of
fags then.
SK: No bother. £5.25 please.

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[nilesfunnies] Klingon musical


What was the first
reference to Klingon in a stage musical?

(spoiler space)

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

(you're going to wish you hadn't, you know)

v

v

v

v

It's in "Oliver!"

v

v

v

In the song "As long as he needs me"

v

v

v

v

As long as he need me,
I know where I must be,
I'll (all together now) Klingon steadfastly

lff

--
Niles, Harrogate |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |

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Saturday, March 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] How to deal with Telemarketers...

http://www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/english/counters.pdf

--
Niles, Harrogate |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Even Rocky had a montage!
outpages.com/nilex |
www.niles.org.uk/blog |

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: One liners

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

---- End Forwarded Message ----

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Jewish Mothers Revealed

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why
Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study
revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of
when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not
considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-
Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite
position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her
that her check came back, she replied, "So did my
arthritis."

8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are
you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very
weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in
38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my
mouth to be filled with food if you should call."


9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part
is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part."

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from
his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't
want to be a nuisance to anybody.

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried
to kill us, we won, let's eat.

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a
Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't
eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and
a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

15. Jewish mother’s telegram: "Begin worrying. Details
to follow."

And a quick goyim (non-Jewish) joke:

Two goyim meet on the street, and one says to the other: "Hey, how are you
doing?"
And the other one says: "Oh, can't complain."

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