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Friday, June 23, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dear Friends:

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee
to raise $5,000,000 for a monument for George W. Bush. We originally
wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we
discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in
Washington, DC, in the Congressional Hall Of Fame. We
were in a quandary as to where the statue should be
placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue
of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside
Dick Cheney, who never told the truth, since George could
never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher
Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left
not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he
did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where
he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you,.

George W. Bush Monument. Committee

P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, June 22, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sisters lose second coming cover

Sisters lose second coming cover

Insurers have withdrawn the cover on their virginity taken out by three
sisters in the event of the second coming of Christ.

The sisters insured themselves in case of the second coming
Insurers have withdrawn the cover on their virginity taken out by three
sisters in the event of the second coming of Christ.

Essex-based confirmed it had provided the £1m
policy, but said it was reviewed on Thursday following complaints.

The firm said the women from Inverness had renewed the policy since 2000.

The cover was meant to pay for the cost of bringing up Christ if one of
them has a virgin birth. managing director Simon Burgess said it had not
been the company's intention to offend anyone.

The company, which is based in Braintree, specialises in accident and
unemployment insurance.

Mr Burgess said: "The people were concerned about having sufficient
funds if they immaculately conceived. It was for caring and bringing up
the Christ.

"We sometimes get weird requests and this is the weirdest we have had."

Burden of proof

The burden of proof that it was Christ had rested with the women and any
premium on the insurance was donated to charity, said Mr Burgess.

The siblings had paid £100 annually since 2000. If they had secured a
payout, they stood to receive £1m.

He added: "The Catholic Church is up in arms about what we've been
doing. We have withdrawn the cover because it was causing a furore.

"The three ladies have been informed."

The women, who have not been identified, are believed to be members of a
Christian group in Inverness. said it was authorised and regulated by the
Financial Services Authority and is a member of the Finance Industry
Standards Association.

The Catholic Church in Scotland declined to comment.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Your name in Russian?

Your name in Russian?
Enter your name in the text box at the top to see it!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Very nearly the Fast Show Joke.

Very nearly the Fast Show Joke.

"We went to the south of France ..... which was Nice."

[nilesfunnies] Peeing contest

Teacher: Head master! I have just found some boys seeing who could pee
highest up the toilet wall!

Headmaster: Oh yes. What did you do about it?

Teacher: Of course I hit the roof!

Headmaster: Oh, that's one up for the staff then!

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Show me the way to ...

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the
phone rings...its Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Big Ian

Ian Paisley was electioneering around his hometown of Ballymena
when he was struck on the head by an O'Neills ball from the nearby
All Saints Gaelic Football Club. Big Ian was knocked out cold and
was rushed to the nearest hospital. He slipped into a coma and was
rushed to the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast.

There he lay for five years when he suddenly awoke in a frenzied
state. He asked the patient beside him: whats been happening in
Royal Ulster, while I've been asleep?

Well, says yer man in the next bed, "its been non-stop here Liam
Neeson is the Independent Nationalist MP for Baile Menaigh and
North Antrim. Your son, Ian Junior got married there three years
ago, to a lovely girl from Toome. And they've given you another
grandson, I'd say Ian Og must be nearly four years old now." Big Ian
heard this, was devastated and fell back into his coma.

A further five years passed before he awoke again. He turned to the
boy next to him in the ward.

Is that McGuinness still the Minister of Education for Northern

"For where?" the man replied. "Oh, Ian. I've some bad news for you.
Three years ago the Queen apologised for all the trouble she and
her predecessors had caused, and got the hell out while you were
asleep. We have a United Ireland with the Dail based in Crossmaglen
and its working out quite well. McGuinness had to step down though,
hes running the new Ulster GAA museum."

Ha, said Big Ian, happy that something was going his way. Good
enough for him. "Where is the museum?"

"They're using Stormont, no point in it going to waste," he replied,
which so upset Big Ian, he collapsed once more.

Five years later, Ian woke again. He looked sheepishly to his
right, and said to the boy beside him. Whats the latest news, whats
happening here?

Ah Ian, said the young boy, its gone to hell altogether. Rangers
beat Celtic last night. "The tide's turning!" Big Ian thought to

"Happy days! What was the score?"

"2-21 to 1-17"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: "Ode to the Spell Checker!"

"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Sunday, June 18, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Man at a table next to a bunch of showoffs in a French restaurant

Man at a table next to a bunch of showoffs in a French restaurant who
are ordering in extravagantly pronounced French. He gestures to a
waiter's back:

"Gendarme! Gendarme! Gendarme!"

One of the showoffs leans pointedly across and says "I think you mean
'garcon' don't you? 'Gendarme' is French for policeman".

"No, that's exactly what I need, there seems to be a hold-up in the

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.9.0/368 - Release Date: 16/06/2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Reminds me of a joke my mum told around the same time

Bloke in a caff is struggling to read the badly-typed menu.

"I'll have the pissoles and chips, please"

"No, that's R"

"OK then, I'll have the arseholes and chips"

Saturday, June 17, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: ...sometimes people look genuinely upset, and implore you to stop having a

...sometimes people look genuinely upset, and implore you to stop having
a go at the World Cup on humanitarian grounds. "Leave it alone, it's
just a bit of fun ... it's done nothing to you," they whine through
their disgusting football-loving faces, as though the World Cup were a
defenceless nine-year-old girl you're attacking with a hammer, instead
of an overhyped moneyspinning festival of tedium in which the world's
thickest millionaires kick a rubbish ball round a poxy field to the
wonderment of an audience of foghorning cretins.,,1799419,


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ex-Wife

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits
alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "do you know her?"

"Yes", sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right
after we divorced 7 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" said the wife. "You wouldn't think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Poem

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.

I'm not a morning person.

Monday, June 12, 2006

[nilesfunnies] That MET excuse in full

'Well, you know. Terraced house. Terrorist house. It's an easy mistake
to make ... '

Saturday, June 10, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Job seeker

An Irishman goes to the blacksmith in search of a job.

The blacksmith asks "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No", replies Paddy, "But I've told a pig to fuck off."

Friday, June 09, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Football again

Football again

Wayne Rooney has been told he can play in the world cup if he gets a
cortisone injection,

Beckham said,"if that fat idiot's having a new car, then so am I"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: reminds me of a salutary tale in a journalists manual about the need to

reminds me of a salutary tale in a journalists manual about the need to
check adverts before finalising a page (I may have posted this earlier,
so sorry):

A paper had a story headed "Man rapes two nuns in taxi"
and across the bottom of the page there was an advert for a famous
tobacco with the equally famous slogan, "I prefer Three Nuns"

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Englands world Cup team

Englands world Cup team

I don't want to worry you football fans but
I just saw the England Bus at Heathrow.

It was in the Short term Car Park.

Friday, June 02, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Teenage boy blows up the house with deodorant

Teenage boy blows up the house with deodorant
By David Sapsted
(Filed: 01/06/2006)

A teenager left at home while his parents were on holiday decided to do
some washing - and ended up blowing the roof off and causing £35,000 of

In a freak string of mishaps, Sean Davey, 18, left a washing basket full
of clothes on top of the electric cooker. He then accidentally knocked
one of the hob controls, turning on one of the rings, before going out
to meet friends.

The heated ring set fire to the basket of clothes which, in turn, heated
a nearby bag of shopping that his sister Nicky, 20, had left for her
brother earlier in the day.

And that caused a can of Sure deodorant to explode with such force that
it not only blew out windows but cracked a wall and even, briefly,
lifted the roof off the bungalow.

Three fire crews tackled the blaze in the home at Caister-on-Sea near
Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, on Sunday evening. Firemen rescued one of the
family's labrador dogs while the other one escaped of his own accord and
reappeared, somewhat shaken, eight hours later.

Joanne Bray, who cut short her holiday in the Scottish Highlands with
her husband Paul when they heard of the disaster, said yesterday that
structural damage to the building was estimated at £20,000 with another
£15,000 needed to repair fire and smoke damage inside.

"Sean phoned me and said: 'Mum, the house is on fire.' I have forgiven
him because it was just one of those unfortunate accidents. I am just
grateful that he and the dogs are alive and well," said Mrs Bray.

"I can't really blame him for what happened. I would be happy to leave
him again when we next go on holiday. It is just ironic that the fire
was started by the electric hob because Sean didn't actually cook
anything while we were away - he survived on microwave meals and takeaways."

Alan Jaye, the watch manager with Norfolk Fire Service, said: "The can
of deodorant was left near the cooker hood in the kitchen. The pressure
waves that aerosols give off when they explode can be quite phenomenal.

"In this case, the force of the blast was so great that some of the
window frames were pushed right out and a crack was put in the building.

"We would advise families never to expose aerosol cans to any heat."

Sean and his parents were staying with friends yesterday.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Tallulah

Maybe the don't know the Tallulah Bankhead story.

Tallulah was in a cubicle in the ladies' loo in NYC. After she was
finished, she found to her revulsion, the spindle was empty of toilet paper.

"Excuse me," she said knocking on the wall of the next cubicle. "Do you
have any toilet paper in there?" Answer came there back - "No. Sorry."

Tallulah was silent for a minute then said, "How about two tens for a