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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Helpful prostitute

A joke told by Canadian author Margaret Atwood at the Hay
literary festival:

A prostitute is having a weekly special. She will do
anything for $100 as long as you ask for it in three words.

A Frenchman comes along and says "Anything I want? Suck my
toes!" She does it, and money is exchanged.

An Englishman comes by and says, "Spank my bottom!" She

A Canadian comes and says, "Anything I want? Paint my


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, May 29, 2006

Re: [nilesfunnies] Grundia a letter

Guardian letter

> "So Hugh Gibson's fern has 18 fronds this year (Letters, May 17). With
> fronds like that who needs anemones?"


On similar lines, it occurred to me in the deep watches the other night that
performers take several curtain calls to bask in the applause because they
don't want to put all their basks in one exit.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Friday, May 26, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The New York Times apologises :)

The New York Times apologises :)


In a May 25, 2006 article describing Georgetown University faculty
opposition to a teaching appointment for Douglas J. Feith, former Bush
Administration undersecretary of defense for policy planning and analysis,
the Times noted that Army Gen. Tommy R. Franks, top commander of the Iraq
invasion, once referred to Mr. Feith as "the stupidest guy on the face of
the earth."

However, according to Gen. Franks' autobiography, "American Soldier," what
he actually called Mr. Feith was "the fucking stupidest guy on the face of
the earth." The Times regrets the error.

-- New York Times

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Rich snail

Rich snail
... Snail walks into a Ferrari garage. He asks to test drive a new car.
The sales man obliges. After the test drive the snail agrees to buy the
car but requests that a large 'S' is painted on the front top and back of
the car.

The Sales man asks whether is stands for 'S'nail and he replies no... when
I zoom past people on the motorway I want them to say "wow look at that s
car go"'.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Management Lesson

Management Lesson

Randy wanted to sh*g a girl in his office but she was dating someone

One day, Randy got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a 1000 dollars if you let me sh*g you, but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend, so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast,
he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts
the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for
his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks
what happened.


Management lesson:


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, May 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: German humour

German humour
(This was printed in yesterday's Guardian, which devoted an
entire section to the subjects of Germany and the Germans.)

Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins.

The evangelical priest says, "No question about it, life
begins when the child is born."

"No, no!" says the Roman Catholic priest, "It all starts
when the sperm meets the egg."

"You're both wrong" says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the
children have left home and the dog has died."

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Weather reports from Helsinki, brought up to date:

Weather reports from Helsinki, brought up to date:

+15°C / +59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / +50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / +41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / +32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river gets a little thicker.

-5°C / +23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / +14°F
The Brits start the heating in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris starts cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real
winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva
vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hand is cold.

-273°C / -459°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, May 22, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Searching for Wanda.

Searching for Wanda.

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic an searched, and down into the basement.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally

I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Information Release

Information Release
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of
Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers
and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are
found to be driving badly which includes:
-overtaking in dangerous places;
-hovering within one inch of the car in front;
-stopping sharply;
-speeding in residential areas;
-pulling out without indication;
-performing U turns inappropriately in busy highstreets;
-under taking on motorways and
-taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads,

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross,
signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be
clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and
Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have
to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack
of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.
Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that
drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

---- End Forwarded Message ----


How dogs hunting in packs can bring down a huge alligator:

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a
certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally
considered the " apex predator " in it's natural ecosystem, can still
fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to
the tight knit social structure and " survival of the fittest pack
mentality " , bred into the canines over the last several hundreds of
years by natural selection.

See the remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine below.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it
from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from

Not for the squeamish!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bush catches a fish this big.

Bush catches a fish this big.

President Bush was asked during an interview, "What has been the most
wonderful moment of your presidency?".

He said, "When I caught a 7 1/2-pound perch on my lake".


The U.S. record for perch is 4 pounds, 9 ounces. :)


Thursday, May 18, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Medical Jargon

Medical Jargon

Artery - The Study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria
Barium - What you do when CPR fails
Benign - What you be after you be eight
Bowel - A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood near Rome
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty
Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard
Cauterise - Made eye contact with the nurse
Colic - A Sheep Dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is located
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Grippe - A Suitcase
Hangnail - A coat hook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Lab or Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Cousin to Elvis
Post-operative - A letter carrier
Protein - In favour of young people
Recovery Room - Where you have your upholstery done
Rectum - Just about killed them
Rheumatic Fever - Amorous feeling
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - A Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Sick at the airport
Tibia - North African country
Tumour - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There's this gold miner...

There's this gold miner...
Sadly, there's a cave-in, and he's trapped by a leg.

In order to save him, the leg has to be amputated.

"Well, that's me fucked then.", he says. "Who's going to want a one-legged

"Well," says the doctor, "you could always try Paul McCartney."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: shoes

As three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left
one was on the right foot. She said, 'Son, your shoes are on the wrong
feet.' He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, 'Don't kid me,
Mom, I know they're my feet.'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The old hunter

The old hunter
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them
around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He
is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never
forget." So they awoke the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a
thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found
a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and
fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a
noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I
ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this,
ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame
you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I

[nilesfunnies] Fw: god

Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the
teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave -
time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them.
Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest.
The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The
little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting
room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his
head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: After announcing that she and her husband, Sir Paul McCartney, were to split,

After announcing that she and her husband, Sir Paul McCartney, were to
split, Heather Mills, consulted her solicitor about her chances of a large
financial settlement. She was told she didn't have a leg to stand on.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Necrophilia

A man was brought before the judge and charged with making love to a
dead woman (necrophilia).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a
disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't
lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

#1, It's none of your damn business;
#2, She was my wife; and.....
#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!!!!!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Smoking Kills

Smoking Kills

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I am so sorry..... ;-)

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great

To give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the great
action heroes of today in the leading roles. He calls Sylvester Stallone,
Arnie Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal into his office to
hear who they would like to play:

"Well," began Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if
people saw me playing the piano" says Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," says Seagal.
"I'd like to play him."

"Splendid", says Spielberg, very pleased with these choices.

Then,turning to Schwarzenegger, he asks, "Who do you want to be,Arnold?"

So Arnold says....

"I'll be Bach!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] ISIHAC

A reminder that the new series of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue begins on
Radio 4 on Monday 22nd May at 1830.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: How to Train a Cat

How to Train a Cat

Our neighbour's young daughter once adopted a stray tom cat. To her
mum's distress, he began to use the back of their new sofa as a
scratching post. "Don't worry," her husband told her. "I'll have him
trained in no time."

So for several days she watched as her husband patiently "trained" their
new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited him outdoors to teach
him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly, and for the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to
go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: The Poor Tailor and the Restaurant

The Poor Tailor and the Restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very
upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go
out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while
smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the
restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to
point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager
said, "You sit and smell the delicious odours from our kitchens,
therefore you're enjoying our food, therefore you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of
the case. The manager said, "Your honour, every day, this man comes and
sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is
clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve
to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything, smiled, stuck his hand in his pocket, and
rattled the few coins he had inside there.

The judge looked at him and asked, "And what is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound
of my money."

Monday, May 08, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Gary Glitter

Q: What have Gary Glitter and the tortoise got in common?
A: Both got there before the hare.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Little old lady

Little old lady
I went to the cash machine yesterday
This little old lady ask me if I could check her balance for her so I
pushed her over!

Saturday, May 06, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Like the man who drowned when he fell into a vat at a brewery??

Like the man who drowned when he fell into a vat at a brewery??

It took him three days to die apparently.

The doctor, explaining why he took such a record time to drown, said that
it would have been longer had he included the extra time the victim took
every few hours to get out to have a pee..


Or the man who drowned in a vat of french polish. Terrible end, but a
beautiful finish.

Or the man who fell into an upholstery machinery?
He's now fully recovered..

And the grocer who sat on the bacon slicer. Got a little behind with his


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Little lady reading bible

Little lady reading bible
For those of us who don't read the guardian - this is attributed to Barry

A man gets into a train and sits opposite a little old lady. When they
get underway, the little old lady gets out a bible and reads it avidly.
When they come into a station, she puts the bible away, but on pulling
away, she gets the bible out again and resumes her study. The man watches
this performance and eventually asks - excuse me ma'am, but I couldn't
help noticing that you hide your bible away when we come into a station,
and take it out again when we start again. Why do you do that? And the
little old lady replies, "Why don't you fuck off?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Friday, May 05, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Took my cat to the vet ...

Took my cat to the vet ...

... because I woke up this morning and saw that overnight all its hair
had dropped off.

Vet took one look and said, 'Oh dear, Looks like I'll have to refer it.'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: You don't know what worry is ...

You don't know what worry is ...

You don't know what worry is. Worry is when your wife, your mistress and
your mortgage payment are all thirty days late!

(c) John Prescott

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Vertical organisers

A Plea for the Horizontally Organized
by John Perry
Version of April 25, 1995
There is nothing intrinsically disabling about being left-handed, but when
the world is organized for right-handers, it can be a real handicap.
Consider the chairs one finds in university lecture halls, with little fold
up desktops on the right side for taking notes. A left-hander has to write
with the left elbow dangling in mid-air, or turn all squeezed around in her
seat, with her elbow where the right-hander puts the notebook and her
notebook on the narrow back of the desk where the right-hander puts his
elbow. We might call being left- handed a situational handicap; in
situations where things are set up with right- handed people in mind, being
left-handed is a disadvantage.

I am not left-handed, but I have another less well-known situational
handicap. I am a horizontal organizer in a world set up for vertical

The main mark of a vertical organizer is the ability to make use of filing
cabinets. These people use filing cabinets to store materials in that they
intend to use just an hour or a day or a week later. When they need that
stuff again, they reach into the filing cabinet, pull out the folder and
resume working on it.

It probably seems pretty silly to the vertical organized reader for me to be
going on and on about how filing cabinets are used, but I think the
horizontal organizers may never have actually realized how the other half
lives and may find this account completely incredible, so let me go on for a

Yesterday I was working on a letter to the Palo Alto Medical Clinic
explaining why my bill is screwed up and I don't owe them as much money as
they think I do. It's pretty complicated stuff, and I didn't finish by the
time I had to leave. A vertical organizer would have scooped this stuff up,
and put it in a file to retrieve later. Had I done this, there would be a
bare spot on my desk. These bare spots are the mark of vertical organizers.
They are a dead give away.

Now of course that is not what I did at all. I left the letter on the desk,
with the materials spread out. Actually, it is not exactly on the desk,
because some other ongoing projects were already be spread there; the letter
and supporting documents are on top of half-graded papers, half-written
lectures, half-read brochures and the like.

The fact is, I am a horizontal organizer. I like all the things I am working
on spread out on a surface in front of me, where they can beckon me to
continue working on them. When I put something in a file, I never see it
again. The problem isn't that I can't find it (although that has happened),
but that I don't look. I am constitutionally incapable of opening a filing
cabinet and fishing out a half-finished project to resume working on it.

I do use filing cabinets. They are for a) storing finished things that one
plans never to look at again and b) putting things that one would feel bad
about throwing away but has no intention of reading. Say an old colleague
sends you a long boring paper that she has just finished. It would be
unfeeling and mean to throw it away; one would no doubt have to lie the next
time one saw the person. But if one puts the essay in a filing cabinet one
can say, "yes, its in my file of things to read this summer". All this
implies is that one has a file labeled "Thing to read this summer" and that
one put the paper in it, so one is not really telling a lie, even if the
chances of reading the paper this summer (or any summer, fall, winter or
spring) are nil.

Now looking as it does, my desk is likely to attract critical comments from
vertical organizers. These people tend to think that a desk piled high with
paper is the sign of a disorganized person. But this isn't so. It's like
looking at a left- handed student all squashed up taking note on one of
those desks and thinking that they are uncoordinated. The problem is that
they are at a situational disadvantage. And that is the problem for
horizontal organizers, too. The whole world is set up to help keep
vertically organized people on top of things, through the use of filing
cabinets. All horizontally organized people have are desks, the tops of
filing cabinets, nearby chairs and the floor. If some thought were put into
a good document storage and retrieval system for horizontally organized
people, we could be as organized and neat as anyone else.

Here is my idea. Instead of a desk, I would like to have a very large lazy
susan in my office. A lazy susan is a thing like one has at the large tables
at Chinese restaurants. A large circular platform sits above the table,
covering most of it, just leaving enough room for the plates of the diners
around the edge. The various dishes are put on the lazy susan, which can be
spun (at a low speed, unless on wants mui gai pan all over one's shirt), so
that each diner has access to each dish.

I think something about fifteen feet in diameter would be about right for my
office. My whole life would be spread out on this lazy susan. It could have
little pie shaped areas that are labeled with letters of the alphabet. When
I had gotten as far as I could with the letter to the Medical Clinic I would
have just turned the lazy susan around to the right quadrant and placed the
materials there. (I suppose the right letter would be "M" for "Medical".
Maybe "C" for "Clinic". Or maybe "L" for "letter" or "U" for "Unfinished" or
"S" for "Something I'm upset about". I'm sure that if I had a lazy susan I
would get the knack of making this sort of decision.)

With my projects laid out on my lazy susan, they would each have a claim on
my attention that they could never have if they were filed away. And yet
they would be neatly organized, just as organized as if I were a vertical

Admittedly, a fifteen foot lazy susan would take up lot of space in my
office, which is sixteen foot square. I kind of imagine myself like people I
have seen in photos of model railroad clubs. The whole room is taken up with
the board for the train --- little towns, paper mache mountains, and lots of
track running everywhere. The operator ducks under all of this and pops up
in the middle somewhere. Since lazy susans are round and my office is
square, my chair would presumably be in one the spaces left in the corners.
I could come in, crawl under the lazy susan to the corner, and pop up ready
to work as efficiently and neatly as a vertically organized person. I could
also wear one of those denim engineer caps like model railroaders do,
although I suppose that is not strictly necessary to make the system work.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |