Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Re: [nilesfunnies] OT - Metrication

"Do you often use your Dictaphone?"

"No, I usually use my finger...."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Miracle of Birth

The Miracle of Birth
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, you might enjoy this

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there Was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed Him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was
equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the Little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea!" my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....PRICELESS!!

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Sunday, November 27, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Mosquito

A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain
The cause of his sorrow
was Paradichloro-

Man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of adenosine
triphosphate please"

and the barman says "that'll be 80p"

Re: [nilesfunnies] OT - Metrication

It's Anders Celcius' birthday today. He'd be 304. That's roughly 579 and
ten weeks in Fahrenheit.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Friday, November 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Synchronised Xmas Lights on a House

Got to be the most ingenious use of synchronising xmas lights to music
on a house - have your speakers on....

Thursday, November 24, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Comedienne arrested

Dawn French was today arrested as she returned to the UK from a holiday
in America. Apparently as she bent down to pick up her suitcase, an
eagle-eyed customs officer noticed that she was wearing no knickers and
saw 30 kilos of crack...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Burns

A more frightened than injured young electrician was brought into the
hospital suffering from electrical burns. Shortly afterward his
instructor, a chief electrician, arrived. "Why on earth didn't you turn
off the main power switch before you tried to splice the wires?" asked
the chief.

"I wanted to save time, chief, and I've seen you stand on one leg, grab
the wires and splice without turning off the power."

"My God, kid," exclaimed the chief. "Didn't you know I have a wooden leg?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mexican proverb

Having just returned from a short trip to Mexico I can offer:

All that's green is not guacamole.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Another one from north of the border

Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding
which is just around the corner.

The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt
for my wedding."

The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?"

"Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."

[nilesfunnies] Glitter

Gary Glitter is to be the new Doctor Who. He will have two female
companions, K-9 and Shelley - 12.

Re: [nilesfunnies] More Internet fun

Reminds me of an ISIHAC from the Rushton era:

(Explorer writing in his diary)

Morning: discovered a previously unheard-of tribe and began teaching them
the rudiments of cricket.

Afternoon: the M'betse have forced us into a follow-on but I am still
optimistic that we can draw the match if the monsoons arrive in time.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Swimming Pond

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Monday, November 21, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dead scousers

Dead scousers
40 scousers die and end up outside the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them there's only room for 20, they'll have to sort out
amongst themselves who gets in and who doesn't. He'll be back in half an

A bit later, God asks him how he got on with the scousers.

"They've gone, God"

"What, the scousers?"

"No, the fucking gates!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A Beautiful Bracelet

A Beautiful Bracelet

A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in a jewelry shop window. So she goes in
and asks the assistant if a small deposit will hold it until her husband
does something unforgivable.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Computer Proverbs

* Home is where you hang your @.

* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* C: is the root of all directories.

* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* A chat has nine lives.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up, must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

* Know what to expect before you connect.

* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

* Speed thrills.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the
'net and he won't bother you for weeks.

[nilesfunnies] Sporting quote of the day

The jury's decision is in. Today's winner is an anonymous /Daily
Telegraph/ journalist for this comment

on the ref's decision not to give a penalty for a foul on Lee Bowyer by
John Terry:

Kicking Bowyer is still an offence technically, if not morally.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: New Disease in the States

New Disease in the States
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent
strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. This disease is contracted through
dangerous and high risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him.")

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past
4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this
especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include,
but are not limited to:

Anti-social personality disorder traits;
- delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor;
- chronic mangling of the English language;
- extreme cognitive dissonance;
- inability to incorporate new information;
- pronounced xenophobia;
- inability to accept responsibility for actions;
- exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;
- uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history;
- tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies;
- and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are
amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years
ago from a Texas Bush.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Jewish Joke

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to
Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he
found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.

"Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled
all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the
major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to
San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls vere the men were spiriting
and I say

'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife'."

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second

"Vell, you know," said the old Jew, shaking his head, "not everyone
likes to give..."

Friday, November 18, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sound advice

Sound advice

Nov 16 - Meat and chicken that glow in the dark will not make you
sick but it is probably best not to eat them, the NSW Food
Authority said today.

The authority today reassured consumers about the safety of
their food after a Sydney talkback caller raised the alarm about
his glow-in-the-dark pork chops.

NSW Food Authority directory-general George Davey said a
harmless micro-organism called pseudomonas fluorescens
was responsible for the luminous meat.

"Pseudomonas fluorescens is not dangerous but the glow
indicates the food itself may not be the best and therefore the
Food Authority recommends people simply discard any food that

Supposed to be from . See also


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Several men are in ... ...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and says, Hello?"

Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure. Go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go an extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: Ooh! Wonderful! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "I love you, too."

The man closes up. The other guys in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment. He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs

[nilesfunnies] OT: Joke

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Definitely not!

Why not - don't you like being married?

Of course I do.

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Okay, I'd get married again.

You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

(makes audible groan).

Would you live in our house?

Sure, it's a great house.

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Where else would we sleep?

Would you let her drive my car?

Probably, it is almost new.

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Would she use my golf clubs?

No, she's left-handed.

- - silence - -


Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Glasgow

You know you've been living in Glasgow too long when...

1. You say "pish" all the time!

2. You say "aye" all the time!

3. You end sentences with "man" i.e. "that place is pure pish, man! Ah'm
No' goin' there, man!"

4. You think Mcewans lager is great, ignoring the fact it "tastes of pish,

5. You get an urge to deck everybody you meet.

6. You deck everybody you meet.

7. People seem to be scared of you when you tell them where you're from.

8. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words "Edinburgh"
Or "England"

Are you living too close to Glasgow? The tell tale signs are:

1. Your missus has a poster of Andy Goram smiling.

2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
Her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman's "out of your league" because she asks for a glass
With her tennents super.

5. The phrase "thunderbirds are go!" reminds you the off-license has just

6. You wish your toilet was as clean as the one in the bus station.

7. At least one member of your family has died right after saying "hey,
Watch this!"

8. You think dom perignon is a mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo is ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. One (or more) of your kids was conceived on a pub pool table.

11. Your back door coal bunker is ideal for the rottweiler to raise its

12. You only need one more stamp on your card to get a freebie at tam's

13. You can't get married to your childhood sweetheart because of the
Current bestiality laws.

14. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your missus pished.

And finally.....

15. The soundtrack on your wedding video ends with the loudhailer message:
"this is the polis!"

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Not entirely seriously...

10 steps to Greater Happiness

Plant something edible and nurture it, then eat it.

Count your blessings - at least five - at the end of each day, and then
phone up someone less lucky then you and gloat about all your wonderful

Take time to talk - have an hour-long conversation with a loved one each
week and embarrass them by telling them about your weird sexual exploits
which they think bring shame on the entire family.

Phone a friend whom you have not spoken to for a while and arrange to
meet up, but don't turn up and go round and shag their cute SO instead.

Give yourself a treat every day and take the time to really enjoy it:
Finally get round to setting up that remote webcam looking into your sexy
next door neighbour's bathroom.

Have a good laugh at least once a day as you watch your annoying
neighbours (not the sexy one) trying to open their front door after you
superglued the lock shut.

Get physical - exercise for half an hour three times a week. See the
friend's SO mentioned above.

Do not smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once each day. You
don't want to shipped off to the loony bin.

Cut your TV viewing by half. Watch downloaded porn movies on your computer

Spread some kindness - do a good turn for someone every day. But make sure
you charge for it.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Reading these three quotes together makes for an interesting read...... :-((

Why is this man in the White House? The majority of Americans did not
vote for him. Why is he there? And I tell you this morning that he's in
the White House because God put him there for a time such as this:
Lt Gen William Boykin, speaking of 43rd US President (2001- ) George W
Bush (New York Times, 17 October 2003)
God gave the saviour to the German people. We have faith, deep and
unshakeable faith, that he was sent to us by God to save Germany:
Hermann Goering, speaking of Hitler
A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion.
Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom
they consider god-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less
easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side:

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I name this boat ...

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. A life on the ocean wave, or
at least in the coastal waters, was his life's dream. But his wife kept
refusing, saying it was too expensive, they could never afford it, etc.
In the end he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why
don't you name the boat?" And being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, and stood proud
in his water-proofs, mae-west and yachting shoes watching his boat come
in, he saw for the first time the name his wife had painted on the side:
"For Sale."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"

"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Brave Pig

A visitor on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.
The farmer said, ''That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.''

''So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the visitor asked.

''Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and
he woke us all up.''

''So,'' the visitor asked again, ''why does that pig have a wooden leg?''

''Well, when a pig's that brave you just can't eat it all at once!''

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Some old, some new, some missing ...

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

24.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Pulled Over

Pulled Over
An irishman gets pulled over for bad driver, swerving in and out of lanes
on the motorway. The policeman tells the guy to blow a breath into a

''To be sure, I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic an' I could be gettin' an asthma attack if I
were to blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Ah. I can't be doin' that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic an' I could be gettin' low blood sugar, to be
sure, should I be peein' in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Nope, Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm one o' them there hemophiliacs an' if I give blood I could
dying right here an' now.''

''Fine then, can you just get out of the car and walk in a straight line
for me''

''Can't do that neither, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Little Johnny (oh, what would humour be without him)

Little Johnny (oh, what would humour be without him) was sitting on a park
bench munching on one bar of chocolate after another. After the sixth one,
a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that
chocolate isn't good for you. It will give acne, rot your teeth, and make
you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh,?" replied the man, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a

"No", replied little Johnny, "he minded his own f*cking business."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dublin Workmen

Dublin Workmen
There were two Irish men working for the Dublin City Council, one would
dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the
other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you
are putting into your work, but what's the story?

You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

Paddy wiped his brow and said "Well, normally we are a three-man team, But
the bloke who plants the trees is sick today.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Handy French phrases:

Merci de me depanner - Thanks for your help
[Actually -- thank you for helping me with my breakdown]

Ou est la gare? - Where is the station?

Qu'est-ce qui se passe? - What is happening?

Ou sont les pompiers? - Where are the firemen?

Avez-vous un extincteur? - Do you have a fire extinguisher?

A quelle heure est le couvre-feu? - What time is the curfew?

Pourquoi brulez vous ma voiture? - Why are you burning my car?

Avez-vous du feu pour allumer mon cocktail molotov? - Do you have a
light for my petrol bomb?

Les gentils Parisiens ne meritent pas ca - The nice people of Paris
don't deserve all this.

Friday, November 11, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A conversation with God...

A conversation with God...
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world
is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started aeons ago? I had a perfect,
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.
I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these
green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilising grass and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little they cut
it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilise grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them
a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the roots and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and
pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the
winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this any more. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber" Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Airport drama

As Aer Fungus flight 235 approached Dulles International Airport number 1
runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down all da way !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'! ll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy
Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

Soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,
puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the
Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke
everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of
all, Paddy and Shamus, who by now had done someting very childish and was
smelling quite bad, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the
end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy
looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de
shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how feckin wide it is?

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, November 10, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Correction of the day

From, inevitably, the / Guardian
<,,1638707,00.html> /:

A photograph accompanying an article about circumcision, Sore point,
Weekend magazine, October 29, page 39, was not of the surgical
instrument used to carry out the operation, as we said in the
caption. It showed a nasal rasp used for nose-reshaping operations.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Bridled Passion

Bridled Passion

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I
was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I
saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript
person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was
kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to
make bones about it since I was travelling cognito.

Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and
hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if
anything bad happened.

And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my
manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of
behaviour would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance
might cause was evitable.

There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone
as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona
grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something
to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to,
someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for
some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled
in a way that I could make heads and tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was
communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a
pareil like me, sight seen.

Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I
felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great
shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations
like this only a told number of times.

So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall
and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no
time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous.

Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking
about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion
that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a
savoury character who was up to some good.

She told me who she was.
"What a perfect nomer," I said advertently.

The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke
at length to much avail.

But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I
asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was
committal. We left the party together and have been
together ever since.

I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

[nilesfunnies] broken arm

"I had a terrible weekend; I broke my arm in three places. The doctor told
me not to go to those sort of places."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Wife

The Wife
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young
lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and
allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With
great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans
that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because
they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on
our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave
her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not
wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you
bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw
your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.
When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her
eyes, she asks me......

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use .........?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Paper View

The patient sat there waiting for his new doctor to make his way through
the file that containing his very extensive medical history.

Finally, after the doctor finished all seventeen pages, he looked at him
and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."

Monday, November 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Hohoho

What goes:

<click> "is it done yet?"

<click> "is it done yet?"

<click> "is it done yet?"

<click> "is it done yet?"

<click> "is it done yet?"

<click> "is it done yet?"

<click> "is it done yet?"

David Blunkett playing with a rubiks cube

[nilesfunnies] Fw: homeless

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple
of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light districtinstead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sah!

The Regimental Colonel decides to visit some of his troops
who are in hospital.

He goes up to the first soldier in bed and barks:
"What's wrong with you, soldier!"
"Crabs, sah!" replies the soldier.
"Wire brush, sah, 3 times a day!"
"To get better sah, and rejoin my regiment!"

Satisfied, the Colonel goes to the soldier in the second bed.
"What's wrong with you, soldier!"
"Piles, sah!" replies the soldier.
"Wire brush, sah, 3 times a day!"
"To get better sah, and rejoin my regiment!"

Once again he is satisfied and goes to the soldier in the
third bed.
"What's wrong with you, soldier!"
"Sore throat, sah!" croaks the soldier.
"Wire brush, sah, 3 times a day!"
"To be first with the wire brush, sah!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Sunday, November 06, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Elements

The periodic table at
which is the only one to include key elements such as podium (Po),
Tedium (Te) wood (W) and doreen (Dn), as well as manganesium (Mngm),
fool's gold (fAu) and nothing (Ng).) Not to mention Marzipan (Mz)

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Friday, November 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ


As we are all well educated and highly intelligent people here I thought
you might appreciate this quiz.

Passing requires *ONLY* 4 correct answers!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done?

Check your answers below!


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
Answer: 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Answer: Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Answer: Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
Answer: In November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Answer: Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Answer: Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
Answer: Albert

8) What colour is a purple finch?
Answer: Crimson

9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
Answer: New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Answer: Orange, of course.

What do you mean, you failed?

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, November 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There once was a couple named Melly

There once was a couple named Melly
Who went through life belly to belly,
Because, in their haste,
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

[nilesfunnies] Pink hippos

Eight hundred pink hippopotamuses [...] have been washed up along the
Sussex coast.

Incidentally, they have found that missing red panda too. Apparently it
was up a suburban tree being harassed by crows.

No, I haven't been drinking...

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: George Best

George Best
Prof Williams goes to see George Best:-

Prof: "George, I've got good news and bad news."

George: "Give me the bad news."

Prof: "You have one hour to live."

George: "What's the good news?"

Prof: "It's Happy Hour !"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Hairdresser jokes

[Looking for more hairdresser jokes]

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the
hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house"
The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon
for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You
don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut and a beard trim.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask
you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise
man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: My favourite postman joke

My favourite postman joke is when you ask someone to help you with a
crossword clue of "Overworked Postman".

"How many letters?"



[nilesfunnies] Fw: First round of golf

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had
just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse
for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you
back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where?", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[nilesfunnies] Dewey decimal highlights


Some highlights from the latest Dewey Decimal subject mappings.

* Longest number: Shoguns in art - 704.9493522309520902
* Local number: The Falkirk Wheel! - 386.48, 627.1353 (also Locks
(Hydraulic engineering)–Scotland)
* Best innuendo: Horn implements - 621.9009012, 930.1
* Most libraryish: Cataloging of electronic information resources -
* Most exclusive: Catholic women’s colleges - 378.19828282082
* Most footwork: Gay and lesbian dance parties - 793.308664
* Most dull: M621 Motorway (England) - 388.1220942819
* Let us pray: Sex instruction for girls–Religious aspects -
* Down with the kids number: Ring tones (Cellular telephones) - 384.534

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Thor!

"I am mighty Thor!"
"Yeth, tho am I - but it was worth it."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Are you 'da man'?

Are you 'da man'?

Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male? Or a delivery boy of the
new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below.

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as...
a. lovemaking,
b. screwing,
c. the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared...
a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b. your blood-test results,
c. five tequila slammers.

3) You time your orgasm so that...
a. your partner climaxes first,
b. you both climax simultaneously,
c. you don't miss F1 on ITV.

4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is...
a. healthy, creative love-play,
b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just nailed is...
a. the best part of the experience,
b. the second best part of the experience,
c. $100 extra.

6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is...
a. no concern of yours,
b. not a problem, she can join your gym,
c. a conservative estimate.

7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is...
a. a myth,
b. an oxymoron,
c. a moron.

8) Foreplay is to sex as...
a. appetizer is to entree,
b. primer is to paint,
c. a line is to an amusement park ride.

9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate...
a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
b. is uptight and a waste of time,
c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating the results:

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check in your pants to see if you
really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're more
a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----