[nilesfunnies] Fw: PC World

I went into PC World the other day.

You have to watch what you say in there....

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Feng Shui - definitions

Feng Shui - definitions
Last week, I listened to an old News Quiz which Francis Wheen chaired in
place of Simon Hoggart.

He defined Feng Shui as "the ancient Chinese art of sticking
the telly on the other side of the room."

He then broke down the phrase:
"shui" = 'sense'
"feng" = 'more money than'.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: All-Time Great Legal Jokes no. 26

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Had very small organs of sex.
When charged with exposure
He said with composure
"De minimis non curat lex"

(traditional)

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Irish Skydiver

Irish Skydiver
Did you hear about the Irish sky diver who fell to his death last week
when his flippers failed to open?

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him
over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a
really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood
yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure
so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks
him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there
with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he
gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line
and wins £320

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up
and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on
stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone
win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the
same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"F*ck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well !!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Cricket

Cricket
Two old friends, Alan and Richard, have been friends for as long as they
can remember; they're both now in their nineties. They both played
cricket avidly in their earlier days and are now devoted spectators of
the “Summer Game”.

One day whilst sitting at The Oval watching a game, Richard turns to
Alan and says, “you know Alan we've been friends for the last 90 years
or more and we've enjoyed cricket all that time”

Alan replies “Yes”

“Well” Richard continues “we've both had a good innings and are now
getting towards the point were we've got to carry our bat for the last
dignified last walk back to the pavilion”

“Yes” says Alan

“Do you think they have cricket in heaven?” asks Richard.

Alan replies “I don't know; but, if one of us takes the walk to the
pavilion before the other, let's promise that if it's at all possible,
we will come back and let the other know.”

“Sounds good to me” says Richard.

Anyway a couple of months later Alan gets ill and unfortunately a few
days later takes the long walk back to the pavilion.

About a week after Alan dies, Richard is asleep in bed; when about
midnight he is woken by a voice he recognises as Alan's.

Alan says “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the
other know if there was cricket in heaven.”

Richard answers “Yes”

Well says Alan “There is some good news and some bad news, which would
you like first?”

Richard thinks for a moment and answers “I'll have the good news first
please”

So Alan starts with the good news “There is cricket in heaven, and the
weather is always a warm spring afternoon.” He continues “All our old
friends are here and you have the strength and vitality of your youth,
so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried; and the
afternoon teas are to die for.”

Richard says ”That's great; but, what's the bad news then?”

Alan replies “You're opening the batting for us next Tuesday!”

[nilesfunnies] http://www.cix.co.uk/~helne/chickweed2005071744002.jpg

http://www.cix.co.uk/~helne/chickweed2005071744002.jpg

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Lord's prayer

Lord's prayer

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your
eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100
million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this
day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the
Lord, It must not be changed."
Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this
Reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is
that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily
bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic
church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider
it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
Good news," he announces, "and some bad news....
The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million." "

And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Hovis Account."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Lawyer jokes - as they seem to missing 'recently'

Lawyer jokes - as they seem to missing 'recently'
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his rear.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
... it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"£50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

This is the best "lawyer" joke I've seen. It comes from the [closed]
actuaries forum on Compuserve:

===========================================
A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries were travelling by train to
conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the
actuaries had bought only one train ticket for their entire group. When
the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up
and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle,
the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the
bathroom, he said, "Ticket, please." One ticket slid out, he punched it,
and went on his way.
On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same
trick, but were again perplexed when they noticed NONE of the actuaries
had tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the
lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. On his way to the
bathroom, an actuary walked over, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket,
please."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: My tour operator daughter sent me these:

My tour operator daughter sent me these:

These were taken from a newspaper article about the travel industry, and
the complaints made by tourists:

"No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as tour operators to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no one said they could bite."

"We booked an excursion to the water park but no one told us we had to
bring our swimming costumes and towels."

"The brochure stated : 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're
trainee hairdressers, will we be ok staying here?"

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"It took us nine hours to fly to Jamaica from England - it only took the
Americans three hours."

"There were too many Spanish people. The receptionist spoke Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room. We now hold you responsible
for the fact I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you
had put us in the rooms that we booked."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: More 'old' lawyer jokes

More 'old' lawyer jokes

Reasonable Doubt?

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on
trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt;
however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing
statement the lawyer, knowing that his client will probably
be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you.
Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into the court room." The jury, somewhat stunned,
all look at the door. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

The lawyer: "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to
you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.

A very few minutes later, they return and a representative
pronounces a verdict of 'guilty'. "But how?" inquires the
lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you
stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Well, we all HAD some
doubt and we all DID look at the door. But your client didn't."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You will be pleased to hear that there is nothing new under the sun.
This from John Evelyn's diary:

26th November 1686: I din'ed at my Lord Chancelors, where being three
other Serjeants at Law, after dinner being cheerfull and free, they told
their severall stories, how long they had detained their clients in
tedious process, by their tricks, as so many highway thieves should have
met and discovered the severall purses they had taken. This they made
but a jeast of; but God is not mocked.

Tim

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: >>>>This is discrimination. You left out we white male English.

Oh, alright, as you asked so nicely....

The scene is the PM's Office. Red Tony is seated at his desk busily
making a paper clip chain. A knock at the door is heard and an aide, his
brow furrowed, enters the office.

Aide: Prime Minister, we have a problem.

Tony: You know that I don't like problems. Did you go to The Man?

Aide: Yes Prime Minister, but 2Jags said that this one was your call.

Tony: (Sigh) Ok. What's the problem?

Aide: Sir, what do you want me to do about the Abortion Bill?

Tony: (In a low voice) For God's sake, pay it and shut up about it,
before Cherie finds out.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Dog

Following a woman with a dog out of the cinema, a man stopped her and
said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to
get into the film so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously
at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't
you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied.

"I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Identity Parade

Identity Parade
An Irish man & 7 English men are in a police line up on a rape case.

The victim walks in and the Irishman shouts "That's her!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is £12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to £200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that £12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the £200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the £12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%#ing kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only
a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way,
the price per gallon just went to £16. We don't have any more £12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a
day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your
paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your
paint as soon as ossible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it,there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the £200
paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from £10 a liter"
signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons.One £5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is £20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and
stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you
paint in only one direction, it will be £300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was £200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy £200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with Easypaint.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Gorilla Removers

Gorilla Removers
man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pit bull terrier.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go.

The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in
the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----