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Saturday, October 28, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Manners Maketh Man

Manners Maketh Man
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,
one by one "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest
room," she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", said the first student.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you
Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly
to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you John, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show
us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment; I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Animals

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The
first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could
attack anythingrepeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest
dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to
frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear
came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Talking of blondes ...

On the first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the
instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when
you're at 300 feet."

One student, a blonde as it happens, asked, "How do you know when you're
at 300 feet"?

"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognise the faces of people
on the ground."

She thought about this for a moment and said, "What happens if
there's no one there I know"?

[nilesfunnies] Fw: That reminds me of a rhyme I used to love when I was a

My son Augustus in the street one day
Was feeling quite exceptionally merry.
A stranger asked him, "Can you tell me, pray
The quickest way to Brompton Cemetery?"
"The quickest way? You bet I can!" said Gus
And pushed the fellow underneath a bus.

Whatever people say about my son
He /does/ enjoy his little bit of fun.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: GCF: Proposal

Two elderly people lived in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower, she a widow. They'd known each other for a number of

One evening there was a special supper in the community center. The two
were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he
made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered courage to ask
her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.
"Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant
exchanges, they went home to their respective abodes.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even the faintest of memories. So with trepidation, he went
to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't
remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening
past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if
you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn't remember who'd actually asked me."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tower Hamlets: from Private Eye

Tower Hamlets: from Private Eye
Too good to miss!

"When officers at Tower Hamlets council wanted to contact Tory
councillor Tim Archer to alert him to an urgently-convened meeting they
had a number of options. They could have called him at home or on his
mobile. They could have sent him an e-mail. Or they could have used
the Council's internal post. Instead they wrote him a letter - c/o the
town hall - and posted it first class - from the town hall. Two days
later it arrived back where it had started - at the town hall. The
following day the council delivered it to his home, by courier, after
the meeting had taken place."

Thursday, October 19, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dream

"I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling
his Jewish psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to
look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I
found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't
get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come.
Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my
appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
strange dream?"

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A
Coke? This is a breakfast by you?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's knot what you think

It's knot what you think
I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my
tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish,"
I complained.

He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?"

I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you
play the game!

[nilesfunnies] Pigeons

The pigeons round here have just taken over from the magpies. They
staged a coo.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A man of few words

A man of few words
An old Scotsman called his local newspaper to place an obituary notice
for his recently deceased wife. He told the woman taking the ad that he
wanted to have only two words in the notice: "Maggie died".

The woman at the newspaper told him that he could use up to six words
with punctuation and it would cost exactly the same as two words.

The man thought for a few seconds and said, "Maggie died. For sale, 1991

[nilesfunnies] st p

Customer: These trousers are no good.
Tailor: What's wrong with them, Sir?
Customer: Well, you know the ballroom in St Paul's Cathedral?
Tailor: There is no ballroom in St Paul's Cathedral.
Customer: Precisely.

Ukranian nuclear underpants: guaranteed that chernobyl fallout.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] OT: Riddle

Q: Where in the high street should you go to get a goldfish sharpened?

A: The Carphone Warehouse!

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Goldfish

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was
up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your cat!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: New Drug

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new
drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a

The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Haircut?

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, Sol looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2
The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.

Sol looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back
into the shop laughing hysterically.

Sol asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A man

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: New at the Post Office

New at the Post Office
A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of
energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new
employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and
knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and
much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so
fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very
pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of
the day. He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud
of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to
do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly
do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read
the addresses."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Attack

What do you do if attacked by a circus?

Go for the juggler!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Girl On The Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much
every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried,
except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on
the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander
off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick
exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the
cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to
watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio
and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost
hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to
her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should

"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

"She sells C cells by the sea shore."
Squiffys House of Fun - laughter for MS

[nilesfunnies] Hamish the poacher

Hamish the poacher was stopped by the police, somewhere in the Scottish
Highlands recently, with two buckets of fish, leaving a river well known
for its fishing.

The Policeman asked him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

Hamish replied, "These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?" the officer asked.

"Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let them
swim around for a while. When I whistle, they jump back into the
buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a lot of crap! Fish can't do that!"

Hamish looked at the officer for a moment, and then said "Here I'll show
you, it really works."

"O.K. I've got to see this!" The officer was curious now. Hamish poured
the fish into the stream and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Policeman turned to him and said "Well?"

"Well, What?" Hamish responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The officer prompted.

"Call who back?" Hamish asked.

"The fish." replied the officer.

"What fish?" asked Hamish ......

Sunday, October 15, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Advice sought

Advice sought
I really do need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when
I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You
don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving,
around the corner, as if she's got out and walked the rest of the way.
Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her mobile phone, just to see what time it was. This
caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out
of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never
touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my car next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner
when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my car that
I noticed a large amount of engine oil leaking from the sump.

So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I
should take it to a specialist ?

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Chinese

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the sheets as her husband

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

My darring" he says. "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I
promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anytin you
want. Watchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he
hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he
waits patiently (and eargerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have
heard about..... Numbaa 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries...... "you want......Beef wiff Broccori?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tricky limericks

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style
section called the “Style Invitational.” The requirements
this week were to use the two words Lewinsky (the Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick. The
following winning entries were printed in the newspaper:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
“We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.”

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Accolade

>From today's Grauniad - "Money" section page 4

It is worth noting that both Labour and Conservative membership
enquiries use 0870 numbers while (bless them) the Lib Dems urge us to
make enquiries from someone called Gordon on a standard London
landline number.- R Brocklehurst, St Leonards on Sea, East Sussex

Friday, October 13, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Swwepping

A recent graduate in (insert non-scientific subject of choice) took a vac
job in a factory making widgets. The foreman asked him to sweep up some
spilled grommets.

Recent gradute draws himself up with dignity. "But I am a
Bachelor of Arts."

Foreman. "Of for God's sake, these Arts graduates! Look, you
put your left hand down here, your right hand up here and push like

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: AWOL

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at
about 3 a.m.

The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.

Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the
officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on
this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and commenced performing his charge.

As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle.

The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't.

He picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.

The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle.

The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the
same result.

He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the
chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on
his wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no
cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself,
sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and
couldn't sweep a link!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Need a push?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock
in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is
pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down
and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Greeks vs Italians

Greeks vs. Italians...

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had
the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"

...and so on and so on and then the Greek says:

"We invented sex" The Italian says, "That is true, but it was
the Italians who introduced it to women...

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Haydn

Frans Joseph Haydn (1732 - 1809) was a renowned and prolific
composer, famous for his many symphonies. He was born in Austria. He
is credited with establishing the string quartet and perfecting the
classical symphony.

His worldly experience and his esoteric and eclectic tastes are
not common knowledge today; in fact, he was an experimenter with music
much in the way Edgard Varese, Steve Reich, Paul Simon and Gabriel
Byrne are regarded in the modern era: "pushing the envelope" and
blending some "world music" into the mainstream.

Haydn's success at merging the musical moods and motifs of the
different continents prompted Mozart to say of him, "There is no one
who can do it all - to joke and to terrify, to evoke laughter and
profound sentiment - and all equally well, except Joseph Haydn."

Haydn's interests took him to other parts of the world,
considered quite risky during that period. He traveled to the New World
and to the Asian Sub-Continent, always taking time to listen to the music
characteristic of those regions.

His students learned a great deal from him, but as is often the
case in such learning experiences, some of his pupils went off in their
own new directions rather than following on in their teacher's

Two such pupils were the young fellow Austrian, Frederic der
Wiesel, and the Frenchman Papgeau. These two troublemakers were to cause
Franz such consternation that he was to shred his ground-breaking new
symphony to bits moments after its first performance and forever
abandon the thought of composing anything other than "conventional"
classical music again.

Musicologists continue to search for remains of the manuscript,
but only a few scribblings in his journal regarding the melodies he
notated during an expedition to India are all that remain of the

The Haydn Sikh Symphony was only performed once, at the same
venue as the premiere of the new composition of his pupils (and the
source of Haydn's outrage), the comic Papgeau- der Wiesel Suite.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: From PopBitch newsletter

President Bush gets out of his helicopter
in front of the White House carrying a baby
pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention,
salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

Bush replies: "These are not pigs, these
are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Secretary of State Rice, and I got one
for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention,
salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

Thursday, October 12, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sadie

Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving the garment district to go
home from work.

Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her,
blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all
their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look and remarks,

"This you call a lining?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Thought for the day

Thought for the day
Today is the first day of the rest of your life....
But so was yesterday, and look how you messed that up.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: In the park

In the park
I was sitting in the park yesterday watching an old bloke feeding the
birds, and after a while a thought suddenly struck me...

"I wonder how long he's been dead?"

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sign of the Times...

Sign of the Times...
The Irish Times
October 9, 2006

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Republic
of Ireland soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Trouble at seminary college

Trouble at seminary college
I just spoke to my counterpart at a major seminary college
(the name of which, at his request, shall remain known only to the
Lord), and he was in a tizzy. It seems that he is behind in his
theological research and is rushing to publish a much needed paper,
without which, there is a very good possibility that he will be
reassigned as a priest to a congregation somewhere in the boondocks.
He told me that this situation affected most of the Brothers at the
college, at one time or another, just as it affects many professors
at universities and colleges all over the world. That's right. Even
at a religious college, it's either publish or parish.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Prince

The artist formerly known as Prince is getting a divorce. He was
recently seen removing his belongings from the house formerly known as

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Taxi Drivers

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though London when the
daughter noticed some scanitily clad women loitering on a street corner.
"Mummy," the litttle girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother

"C'mon luv, they're hookers!" retorted the taxi driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mummy, do hookers have

"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I just spoke to a friend who's a serious actor down on his luck and only

I just spoke to a friend who's a serious actor down on his luck and only
getting offered parts in pantos, so he's desperately trying to finish
his memoirs so he can make some money without having to demean himself
by taking such parts. He sees it as a case of publish or be damed.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bondage!

A Wisconsin trapper came to town to buy a case of soft drinks and a copy
of "Of Human Bondage." He left both on a table in a lunchroom and
wandered about for a while. When he came back, the book had disappeared.
"You having some trouble?" asked the proprietor. "I sure am," answered
the trapper. "I've found my pop but I've lost my Maugham!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ice Hockey Dinner

Ice Hockey Dinner

Former Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had
his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have
his father visit him recently to watch him play.

In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov,
arranged a special banquet at the renowned local Scandinavian
restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg,
prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne's favorite Finnish dishes.

In addition to the entire Mighty Ducks team and staff, Disney and
Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked
up by the Duck goalie.

It was a huge success.

The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was
certainly a dinner worthy of the father, the son and the goalie host.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] pirates

Why are pirates called pirates?














Dunno, they just arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Choices

"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life-
insurance salesman asked his client.

"What do you mean?" countered the woman.

"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the

The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach . He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear

"Have you ever been f****d?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said, "No"

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in".

Sunday, October 08, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: K'AARK

This story was told to me by Nyahururu, and old man from the
Bamangwatu tribe. The Bamangwatu people live on the edges of the
flood-plains where the Ngwaa river runs into the Okavango. The story
concerns K’aark a little orphaned bushman boy. He had been found one day
wandering aimlessly in the bush by a matronly and generously
proportioned Bamangwatu woman called Malindi. She had lost several of
her sons to crocodiles during a cruel canoeing accident a couple of
years back and eased her grief by looking after the little bushman boy.
He remembered that his name was K’aark. The storyteller, Nyahururu,
explained to me that in the bushman tongue K’aark meant “snotty-nose”
and, in fact, his playmates often called him by their nickname for him,
Kakamega which means ‘number eleven’.

Now the Bamangwatu people held the bushmen in great awe as
hunters and it was assumed that K’aark would grow up to be one. In fact,
he was inept at everything that he ever turned to and, when he came
home empty-handed, as he inevitably did, he always blamed it on bad
spirits or wind blowing in the wrong direction. Because the Bamangwatu
people were a trusting people, by and large, they accepted his stories
at face value.

One day K’aark left the village and headed off into the bush to
hunt game. His tracking ability was little better than useless and the
animals heard him and ran away long before he was even aware that they
were there. He trudged on through the morning, musing at the paucity of
wildlife. He sat down under an Msasa tree to rest. Unfortunately he
plonked himself down unknowingly onto his quiver of poisoned arrows.
Into one of these he induced an imperceptible but aerodynamically
significant curve.

By and by, K’aark wend his weary way home. As he neared the
village he came across an ill-fortuned Ostrich, which had fallen down a
steep slope as a chick and hit its head on a stone which had left it
deaf, it did not hear the clumsy approach of our erstwhile hunter.

K’aark selected by chance the modified arrow and let it fly from
his bow. It winged its way from him like frightened bird, but winged its
way in a gentle curve into some bushes.
All of a sudden there was a great roar and a commotion followed
by silence. K’aark rushed into the bushes to see what had happened and
came across a dead lion, poking out of the buttocks of which was
K’aark’s wayward but adequately venomous arrow. But more to the point,
just beyond the lion was the sleeping form of Oluwarukeri, the chief of
the village, whom the lion had been stalking for supper.

There was great rejoicing in the village. Now, it so happened
that Oluwarukeri was not just chief of the village but was, in fact, the
Great Paramount Chief of All the Bamangwatu people and he was greatly
pleased with K’aark.

Oluwarukeri called his people together in a great Ndaba. Now an
Ndaba is a kind of Baraza which is to say that it is like a Durbar which
is a congregation, a coming together or gathering. Oluwarukeri declared
before his assembled people from that day forwards, K’aark would be his
son. But more significantly that when Oluwarukeri left this world and
his spirit joined the spirits of his ancestors on Menengai, the Mountain
of God, K’aark would be the new paramount chief, his anointed successor.
A great shout went up, there was much rejoicing and feasting and
drinking of Chibuku, fermented millet which, when distilled, comes out
at about 50 over proof.

All of this was none to the liking of Olo-ololo who was the
chief’s biological son. Olo-ololo had left the village as a child, gone
to school and college and had returned a fully trained architect. But
the villagers laughed at his new ideas and he was the only one to build
a two-storied mud, wattle and thatch hut. Olo-ololo had much to be
resentful about and this last event had tipped the balance.

It was the tradition of these people that when the old chief had
decided who was to be his successor, usually his son, then he would pass
on to them the great limestone seat upon which the new king would be
crowned. It was the custom that the coronation could only take place
upon the sacred stone and whoever had the stone had the rights to the
tribal crown and the accolade, and I might add, the wealth of the people.

Olo-ololo hatched his dastardly plan. If he were to steal the
sacred block he could recover his inheritance and his pride. Stealing
the thing was no great problem. But where to keep it until an opportune
moment arose? He decided that the safest place was upstairs in his
two-storey hut.

Alas, the block of limestone proved a heavier proposition than
Olo-ololo had catered for and during the night it came crashing down
through the flimsy floor of his hut. It fell upon the hapless Olo-ololo
striking him instantly dead. The following morning they found him in his
misery of just desserts.

There is a moral to this story. People in grass houses shouldn’t
stow thrones.

[nilesfunnies] Polish Beauty Clinic

Did you know that Polish and polish represent the only word in English whose
pronunciation is changed by the use of a capital letter?

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Saturday, October 07, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Japan


Unable to find a replacement cog for his car engine, Stan, a Datsun
owner was told that he would have to go to Japan to get one. He did
not want to make the trip for so little, so he decided to buy six dozen
extra cogs while in Japan and bring them back to America. Then he
would sell them, to help pay for the flight.

On the flight back, there was serious engine trouble and to save fuel
the pilot gave orders to jettison all baggage. This meant that all the
cogs had to go also.

On the ground below, an elderly couple looked up at the sky. They
saw all the baggage falling from the plane. "Look, Sarah," said
the old man. "It's raining Datsun cogs."

Visit Squiffy's House of Fun - Laughter for Multiple Sclerosis -

For MS Information please visit The Multiple Sclerosis Resource Centre -

Friday, October 06, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Q: What's the difference between a British tank and an Iraqi tank?

Q: What's the difference between a British tank and an Iraqi tank?

A: Don't ask me, I'm American.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: From today's Guardian Diary:

>From today's Guardian Diary:

"Spotted, at 13.51 hours yesterday on the Press Association wire, above
a sombre story of municipal sexual harassment in Chard, the particularly
fine headline: Ashamed ex-mayor admits coming on town clerk. Spotted, at
13.55 hours yesterday on the Press Association wire: (corrected
repetition) Ashamed ex-mayor admits making advances to town clerk. Just
as well, really."

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Knitting for psychopaths

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Gender test

Gender test
This is uncanny!

Are You More Male or Female????????

To find the answer, look down.


























Not here, stupid. Just look DOWN !!!

Monday, October 02, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sportive Jest

A Man.U. fan dies in a car crash on his way to the match. He rings the
bell at the Pearly Gates and St Peter opens the gate.

"Yes,what can I do for you?" St Peter asks.

"I've just died and I want to come in."

Seeing his Man.U. shirt,St Peter says "Sorry,we don't have your kind in

"What do you mean,'my kind'?"

"Man.U. fans. God hates Man.U."

" But I'm a good bloke" says the fan" Last month,I gave a tenner to the
hurricane relief fund,two weeks ago gave a tenner to the tsunami fund
and just yesterday gave a tenner to the dogs home."

" I'll go have a word with God" says St Peter,shuts the gate and wanders

10 minutes later,St Peter comes back and opens the gate.

"Well,did God say I can come in,then ?"

" No. He said I'd to give you this envelope"

The fan opens the envelope and finds three tenners and a note from God
It read.."Here's your £30 back. Now,fuck off !"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Jewish restaurant

Waiter to group of Jewish mothers dining in Jewish restaurant: "Good
evening, ladies. Is anything all right?"