[nilesfunnies] Fw: The wedding

The wedding
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this
secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat
diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our
engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called
his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of
the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New
York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick
conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final
request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands.
After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador
slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I
asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "Then how
can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD!

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Having a bad day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs
his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts
crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.
'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in
the cab I took home . I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my
dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put
an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Two Ways to Look at Everything

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

[nilesfunnies] In Wales

A man was driving through the Welsh countryside when he spotted a sign
saying 'for sale - potatoes, peas, parsnips and paracetamols'.

Thinking it rather unusual he went in and bought some peas and asked why
the sign said paracetamols - the man replied I'm a farmer see.......

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Banking Crisis

September 2007 NEW YORK (Rooters) - Japanese Banking crisis continues on
back of US Sub Prime collapse.

The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of
letting up.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more
than likely will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and
500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and
staff fear they may get a raw deal.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Marcel Marceau

In a interview today, a close friend of Marcel Marceau said
"I had no idea he was ill. If only he'd said something".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Lion Tamer

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus
as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.

The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion
tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump
through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

The man said, "I was looking for my father."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Teenage Son

Teenage Son

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and
take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that
say, "How's my driving?" and put a 0900 number on it. At 50 pence
a call, I've been making £50 a week.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Both of course.

Reminds me of the tale of the little boy who runs into the Women's
changing rooms where they are all naked. The women shriek in horror.
"What" says the little boy, "haven't you seen a small boy before?".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Jose

Jose

Jose Mourinho wants to go to Portugal and completely disappear from
public life.......

The McCanns have offered to help.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Hitler dies and goes to heaven

Hitler dies and goes to heaven
Jesus greets him at the pearly gates and says
Sorry but I can't let you in
why not asks Hitler
well its all the people you've murdered, lets face it you haven't exactly
been a model human have you?
Well no but if you let me in I'll give you the Iron cross
it's tempting says Jesus, let me go and see what my Dada says

Jesus goes to god and relates the story
god says, so what do you want to do?
well I want to let him in, he will give me the iron cross

god quickly replies,
you had enough difficulty carrying the wooden one.

[nilesfunnies] Skippy

Q: what's green and hops through the Australian outback?
A: Skippy the Cooking Apple

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Three tenors

Pavarotti is to be replaced in the The Three Tenors by Elton John.

In future they will be known as the Two tenors and a nine bob note.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Also my favourite joke. Though I also like

Do you know why pirates are called "pirates"?
Because they arrrrrrrrrr.

Where do pirates keep their ships?
In the arrrrbour.

What do you call a one-armed pirate?
Arrrrrmless.

(NB - Wednesday is International Talk like a Pirate Day)

Q. Why shouldn't you wear russian underpants
A. Chernobyl fallout

and

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot

[nilesfunnies] Raquet sports and the bible

There was a line in The Archers recently in which the vicar told one of the
of people, "The bible is remarkably silent on the subject of racquet sports,
Susan"

This lead to a thread on uk.media.radio.archers with biblical scholars
disputing this:

"Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before kings; he will
not serve before obscure men."
Proverbs 22:28-29

I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tennis of Kedar,
as the curtains of Solomon.
Song of Solomon 1:5

And it came to pass, afore Isaiah was gone out into the centre court,
that the word of the LORD came to him, saying,
Turn again, and tell Hezekiah the captain of my people, Thus saith the
LORD, the Cup of Davis thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have
seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.
2 Kings 20:3-5

And the Spirit badminton go with them, nothing doubting. Moreover these six
brethren accompanied me, and we entered into the man's house.
Acts 11:12

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Out of the mouths of ...

Out of the mouths of ...

This is a true conversation I had with my 4 year old the other day.

Danny: What letter does poo poo start with?
Me: Well, what does it sound like?
Danny: Gnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghhhhhaaaaaaagghhhhh.

[nilesfunnies] Seth Efrican

Here's a guide I received just this morning as it happens. This is for
black South Africans rather than white ones (because they have
distinctively different eccents).

Beck - not the front

Beds - doves, vultures, etc.

Ben - to set alight

Cut - a small vehicle drawn by a donkey

Errors - districts, e.g. "Ebbon errors" (urban areas)

Feather - implies distance - Cape Town is feather than Johannesburg

Guddin - around your house, where you grow plunts

Get - a hinged opening in a fence

Hair - as opposed to him

Hiss - masculine form of hairs

Itch - as in "itch and aviary pairsin"

Kennel - Army officer

Len - to acquire knowledge

Pee-Pull - Die Mense / people

Phlegm - the hot part at the end of a candle

Piss - symbolised by white doves

Suffa-Ring - as in "the pee-pull are suffa-ring"

Parrot Teksi - not a mamba of the teksi assoseshen

Toks - Negotiations

Weaner - the weaner takes all

Wekkas - they do the wek

Weld - The Earth

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Got a job at the bowling alley..

Got a job at the bowling alley..
"tenpin?"
"no, its full time."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: What's a pirate's favourite animal?

What's a pirate's favourite animal?

What's a pirate's favourite animal?

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

An arrrrrmadillo.

Regards,
Kevin

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Pirates and parrots

Pirates and parrots
Man walks into a pet store and says, "I'm playing Long John Silver in the play Treasure Island, and I'm looking for a parrot. Can you sell me one?"
The pet store owner says, "You don't want a real parrot, it'll squawk all the time and poop on your shoulder, and what if it falls off during the play?" The man says, "Well, I want to be as realistic as possible." The pet store owner says, "I've got a stuffed parrot you can use. Can you pick it up on Thursday?"
"Can't come on Thursday. That's when I'm getting my leg cut off."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Just parrots

Just parrots
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to
do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?

[nilesfunnies] Fw: New Car

Renault have just launched a new car. It's spacious, comfortable, and it
is so good that you will not even notice your kids are in the back.

They called it the

Renault McCann

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Q: What do you call ....

Q: What do you call ....
a Judge without any thumbs?

A: Justice Fingers!

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: A salutory lesson?

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's
crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?

We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place Everybody thinks it's gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst
hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and
they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome ..

"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful.

And I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and
foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"

Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words tome."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: I went to the optician for an eye test the other week.

I went to the optician for an eye test the other week.

I sat down in the big chair and he started the test.

He pointed and said "what's that?"
And I said "it's a printer."
And he pointed again and said "and that?"
And I said "it's a mouse."
And he pointed again and said "and this is...?"
And I replied "a USB floppy drive"

"OK," he said, "so there's nothing wrong with your peripheral vision..."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bambi

Bambi

I bought eight legs of venison yesterday for £30.
I'm wondering if they were too dear?

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Paint

Paint
They're giving away free paint.

I'll get me coat.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Diana Remembered

Diana Remembered
BOOKS of Indifference were opened at B&Q branches across the country
today for men who could not a give a monkeys about the 10th anniversary
of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

Large queues had formed by early morning as ordinary fuckers stood in
line for the chance to express in writing their utter amazement that
anyone still gave a fucking toss.

No flowers were left to rot into a smelly pulp at a makeshift shrine,
and few words were spoken as the men waited patiently, many of them
writing a simple "What the fuck?" before heading off to buy a
three-litre tub of Polyfilla.

Dick Chalmers, 34, visiting the B&Q Warehouse in Cockermouth, Buttsex,
wrote: "So much for the much vaunted safety features of the S Class!",
before his mate Terry Dactail, amazingly also 34, added "Next time love,
wear a fooking seatbelt".

Ben Dee Willy, 39, summed up the feelings of many when he wrote "wank"
in the book at the superstore. His best friend Clint Rubbers, 38, added
"I shag arses, call me" and the number of Mr Dee Willy's mobile phone.

R.S. Hunter, 187, demanded to be wheeled from his old folks home in
Niggerbuggery to his local B&Q so he could write: "I strangled Germans
with my bare hands for this you know." Philip Myring, his carer, said:
"He always writes that now, even on his Christmas cards."

Hugh Cox, 43, wrote "Mine's a large one" while Rodger Littleboys, 17,
added: "Nice nips!!!" Willy Fidget, 22, put down "cock", Ivor STD, 57,
wrote "Tit's oot" and Rashid Bellend, 45, added "fanny".

Prince Philip was one of the first to sign, although he was immediately
accused of hypocrisy for feigning indifference when it was well known he
hated Diana and ordered her assassination by the British secret service.

Peter Ninja, the MI5 operative who led the complex operation to kill the
black eyed dozy arabfucker Diana, was another early signatory. He also
denied charges of insincerity saying he had only been obeying orders
when he brutaly murdered the Princess. "It was strictly business," he
said. "Nothing personal." "Although I did drop my fee for that one"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I am not so shut up!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Okay now, this is the part where you say "Control freak who?"